Phew!

So I just stumbled upon Just Write! from one of the fellow blogger whom I followed long back when I was pretty much active on a social bloggers group website. As my life turned out to be (yet again), I got tangled up within myself, and got out of touch from writing.



Today while I was surfing the net, somehow I felt this urge to connect with myself. I felt as if my life is spinning out of my control. Don't know why but I got reminded of the game, Sims. If you have played it, you would be aware of how to fulfill his daily needs like hunger, rest, work, relations etc otherwise its going to flash in red and you might end up losing him as a human. It is pretty much the situation I am into. Reflecting back on the last few years of my life, it will be an understatement if I call them lost. It feels a lot more. Just like the needs of the Sims, suddenly a barrage of needs cropped up and it became increasingly difficult to fulfill them. One of them is Writing.



I still remember the time when I joined a Writers Club blog on this very website. We were a group of around 10-12 people, from different parts of the country, just writing our hearts out. I must say, with utmost pride, it was one of the best periods for me where writing is concerned. There are times when you feel that your life is just perfect. It was one such times. I have written poems, prose, social issues, group views and what not. And just like a potter, yielding a beautiful model through the caress of his hands on the clay, I moulded my craft. And I was getting better at it. I never knew that there would be one day, when I would be writing after years. I always thought that I loved this act of yielding your heart out in the form of words and I will always continue to do so.



I don't know why I am writing what I am writing. I'm feeling bit strange and sour. Its like dusting off an old me. And its very weird. But again, I would like to thank Just Write! to atleast ignite the fervor in me with which I have written whatever I have written in the above paragraphs. Trust me, I have not even revisited even a single word that I have written above, so sorry if it hardly makes sense! I am just going to hit "Publish" the moment I reach the last word of this sentence! :D

The Real Journey

As the sun glows golden through the glass,
I think about life,
Where am I and how much have I travelled,
Through the broken roads of promises, faith and love,
Here am I and how much have I unravelled,
The damning puzzle of life and the God above.
 
Stranded on the cross road of dilemma, yet again,
I wonder,
Is the road correct or is the destination wrong,
Have I made my mark yet? Am I even strong?
 
And that is when I see someone dying,
Brothers mourning, sisters crying,
The world is not yet a better place, I think
Its a farce of actors of different face, I think.
 
And then I see the body getting burnt,
Hopes and Love becoming ash and dirt,
Who remembers what brand you wore,
There is a meaning to this life, a damn meaning thats a lot more.
 
It is nothing to do with the money you rake,
It is nothing to do with the image you fake,
It is all about the RESPECT you earned,
By the time, my friend, it is YOUR time to burn.  



PS: Dedicated to my grandmom whose demise last week left another void in my life. Your death also taught us lessons, just imagine how much we learnt from you when you were alive. May God kiss you a warm welcome to Heaven. RIP.







 

It Is Easy.

I just got over with my 25th birthday. It is really hard to believe that I have crossed the silver jubilee age, when I cant even comprehend the trivial troubles I face daily! Anyhow, now that I have crossed the milestone, let me reflect a bit on my understanding of life. 

I know the oldies might get instantly rhetorical - "Oh C'mon, how much have you lived to write about life? 25 years? Thats no age for philosophy!" I beg to differ very strongly on this. First, this isn't a philosophical endeavor I'm embarking upon. If a bird doesn't constantly keep a check on its flight, its bound to fall. I am keeping a check on mine. Certainly, there is no age for that. 

So, I am 25, I have a great job, I have my family and my friends. Yeah, seems like common man's tale. But it was easier said than done for me. The way I see life today is poles apart from the way I saw it, let's say, 10 years back. I was a teenager who was unaware of potential the word "ambition" carries. I was a free bird, who had all the security and care he could ever imagine. The world was fair, and the people lovely. Every day was spent eating, playing video games, listening to rock music (still), and bullying the younger generation. The pinnacle of satisfaction lay in gorging on chicken tikkas mercilessly and fanning the ass under the air conditioner on a super comfy bed at night. Career, earning money, establishing oneself at the behest of single handed hard work seemed to be alien concepts which were only for Dad and Mom to follow. Who cared about the source of the milkshake every morning? Who cared about bills? Who cared about paying attention to what is the be worn and how things are to be kept? Bloody alien concepts. Until life began laughing real hard at my face.

My first face off with life's brutality came during the time I had to drop a year for further studies. I was so screwed. One full year, all alone with that stupid study table. No friends no interactions. That was the time I realized that dude, it ain't a cakewalk. I burnt my eyes studying hard for Medical, and (by god's grace) finally landed in an engineering college which was much better than what I deserved at that time. Bidding adieu to Delhi for 5 long years of staying away from home, I marched on to Dehradun, the valley that changed my life. Forever.

College life, it is said, is a golden period of ones life. Mine, I must say was beyond that. I learnt to cherish life. In the initial years, things were too unwelcoming. Opinionated people from myriad backgrounds flushed my hopes of a cheerful life down the drain.  At first, it became stress full to put up with different ideologies, different views of life yet maintaining a firm hold on your beliefs and aspirations. Later on, as time went by, those jumbled pieces began to form a collage of their own. Several thoughts merged into one single personality, and I learnt a lot of things:

1. You cannot define a man's nature based on his antics or on his super generous attitude. An angel can be as evil as the demon, and a publicly demonized figure could well be the most charming and frank personality that can ever be imagined. 

2. Foes can become friends and vice versa. 

3. Being judgmental is the stupidest mistake that we can make ever. 

4. Not thinking is the best policy (However I still need to do a great deal of work on that). 

5. Excessive analysis is a waste of time. 

6. Fights can be forgotten the next second.

7. Celebration doesn't need a reason. 

8. Holding grudges against people is immature, as one day, none of them would hold as much importance as they do now, because we think about them. 

9. Life needs to be handled carefully but not seriously.

10. Think aloud. That way, things wouldn't nibble us from inside. Say it because it would hardly matter ten years down the line, but it would not remain unsaid.

11. Being happy is our power. So is being pathetic. Bad feelings can be sidelined by alcohol. 

12. Too much alcohol causes cancer. And so does too much of hatred.

13. Have fun

14. Don't take silly things to heart. The organ is already under a lot of stress pumping litres of blood continuously. Imagine making it feel bad only because a friend said something about you to someone. 

15. Laugh as hard as possible.

This is the only way we can be happy. Life gets messed up every now and then and we cannot avoid that. What is important is getting over the shitty feeling. No one else would get over it other than you. So you only got to do it. And you will only be able to do that when you think positive. Yeah, even I never used to understand this "think positive" mantra, but unless you try, trust me, you won't understand the magic.


It is easy. Try it.


Someone rightly said, "A bad memory is the prerequisite for happiness."

Happy Birthday to You and Me

People who have been reading me (there are very few of them, though I seek more people, to share stuff with) know what I write, when I write, why I write and how I write. For someone reading me for the first few times, it might not have yet struck. For them, let me say a few words:

I do not write to showoff my literary skills. My poems, whenever I have written them, are a direct consequence of my state at that moment. I do not know various poetic transforms, and neither am I much interested in them. For me, blogging is a platform of plain and simple writing, unlike many for whom it is a platform to caress their authorial ego. Not that I don't like high flown poems or prose, but I feel a substantial part of it is born out of a fucktard's ego. Also, this should not be mistaken for me not knowing people who write excellent language. I have such friends, and I really respect them, because, I am sure, I do not stand anywhere near to their capability of weaving magic with words. I am a simple shepherd who knows where his sheep are heading to, and where to get the daily fodder from. He does not care how they look like. So, as far as I am concerned, I just write what I feel. And I write because it gives me peace and satisfaction. Nothing more, nothing less.

Anyway, this post highlights a lesson that I learnt today. I must say, I have been pestering myself to learn some new things, like a language, an instrument etc. from the past two months, and all I end up learning is this lesson. A lesson which defines where I am wrong in my life. 

Today, my kid brother celebrates his 20th birthday. I am not used to being home during his birthday because for the past 5 years, I have always been in Dehradun. This time, however, I was at home. I kept a reminder yesterday for 11.30 pm, to remind me that I have to wish him exactly at 12. Along with that, I also kept a reminder that I have to put some clothes for wash. Both reminders went off perfectly. I would not write on how much I am dependent on reminders, but why I am so, would probably be understood from the rest of the post.

I woke up today to the roar of the rain. Before I knew, my brother was ready to go out with his friends to a distant water park. We completed the Pooja according to the rituals and had breakfast. Mom left for office. In a moment, he too, sprang up and was ready to leave. His ever smiling face and the sumptuous contentment on it suits him. He left, and me and Dad had the full day beckoning us. We went upstairs, and got busy. He with books, I with sleep.

I must brief you about my present scenario here. I am about to join my first job in a month, have one of my dearest exams coming up at the same time and have been like this for the past two months. I am fostering fierce desires of accomplishing several hobbies, like learning the guitar, and several others, for the past three months, and have achieved only 40 percent of it. To equate this to my inefficiency would be somewhat wrong because when you are inefficient, you hardly realise it, and you can't do much about it as it is instilled in your basic framework of nature. This, however is an epidemic spread in me. I am pretty much conscious and aware of the fact that I am not doing anything when I have to do so much, but alas, it doesn't seem to get sorted out. This consumes all my thoughts and energy in entirety, making me think fucking intensely and ceremoniously for the past so many days and months, throbbing my mind with grief, frustration, confusion and apathy, and I end up criticising myself every night and sleeping with an unhappy heart and a splintered mind.

Now, why did I narrate this. This is because today, as like other days, my thoughts were fluttering incessantly since I woke up at around 1 pm. I began studying, had lunch and again studied for two hours or so. Then I talked on the telephone. Then I began thinking what to do next. I ended up reading a magazine that had been on my fucking "too-due" list. I managed to get hold of the guitar for some time, and again ended up thinking that "I could not use my full potential today" and submitted to the despair and went downstairs for dinner. 

Post dinner, my mom calls me in the kitchen and says "You did not get a card for him. You were at home the whole day. Wo hamesha lata hai sabke liye. It's still 9.30pm only". 

And fuck. I lost it. In all my "soul searching" and crap I forgot to buy the kid a gift. I took the keys of the car, and let me tell you, all the way from putting the ignition on, searching frantically for one damn shop to be open, finalising on his dream deo, getting it packed from a Cake Parlour and coming back and putting the ignition off - I was just wondering and cursing myself as hard as I could.

Only because of my shitty thoughts, I am preoccupied every moment. Only because of my perpetual frustrations, I hardly think of anything else. On being inquired, I shamelessly resort to the reason of my studies (which even I know is hardly anything, because I am just all alone the whole day) and my routine going haywire. Not that they are not important, they are. And I would continue with them, because I have a frigging exam coming up. But the world does not end there. 

I feel addicted to these thoughts. They just don't seem to go away. Every moment, I feel like I have lost out on my target and this develops stress beyond what you can even imagine. What you can imagine, rather should imagine, is that I am living with all this for the past several months. Every single day. Imagine my state of mind. Although, even with such fiery helplessness every moment, I have maintained my apparent sobriety. 

Why do we think? Why do we even allocate a tiny bit of our daily life to worries? If not for those idiotic confusions happily playing with my sanity every fucking day, and making me confident of being a psycopath, I would not have forgotten to buy him a gift. A small gesture of love, but makes a big difference when you don't make it. It is not worth to worry when you miss out on the essentials that your life is supposed to be made of. You might not be happy with your today, but that does not cost you much. What costs you a fortune, is if your "today" is not happy with you.

Our lives are getting shorter by the moment, and idiots like me spend the time worrying. I don't profess "Live-carefree-and-enjoy" theory. That looks amicable in books, and should remain embedded there only. When you are talking of actual life, it does come with a host of pressures and problems. All I am thinking now is that all those pressures and troubles should not secretly nibble and gnaw down the real moments of life. Those things, that would run like a slideshow in front of your eyes when you would be gripping strongly to your bed in your last few breaths, or if lucky, to the hand of someone close.

( To my kid brother, I would not say sorry to you. For it's not my fault as neither you nor I were used to being together on your birthday for the past five years. But yes, I am surely thankful for this day as I learnt something of importance you can't realise. )

A Letter to Ms. Life

Dear Ms Life,

First of all, do not take the use of "Dear" literally.

I am here to write to you about certain things that I have in me, but deserve to be on your face. This letter in no way is a reflection of what I show to you on my outer self. This is something that's embossed deep in subconsciousness. You do not see that, because it's hardly visible. What is strange is that you do not even make a feeble attempt to see it.

Anyway, let's start off. I would like you to take note of a few things that you might not know about me. I am a person, who has a huge world of his own around him. I am not a favourite of the group. I am not the talk of the town. And I do not attempt or even fractionally wish to become that. I am happy with myself and the pool of buddies I have. Umm, actually not really happy. You hardly let me be. 

When I am home, I have parents around. I know they love me beyond measures. I have been raised like a normal boy should be raised. In fact, I would like to say it was just a lot more than that. This is because, when a mother gives birth to her child, she never expects anything to go wrong. My mother and father also did not expect anything unforeseen. But, alas, you failed them (and me) at that moment itself. So, the effort that is required for a normal couple to raise their child could not prove enough for my parents. It took my mother around double the time, and a jobless time I must say, to raise me to the level other kids get raised in half that time.

My schooling was a bumpy ride in the beginning. Nothing could prevent me from being treated like a second class citizen at school at the beginning. Kids, seniors, juniors and even the damned faculty ensured that I succumb to their remarks every day after school. All thanks to you, for bringing me as a different in this world. Still I moved on. Things improved upon at later stages of my school life, like around class 9th. A shocker as this might be to you, but I did exceptionally well. Also, in class 10th. Class 11th saw me taking Biology as my optional. As it is known famously, the academics grilled me to the core in that class, and I lost sheen as a classic performer. I picked up in class 12th, but the performance was meagerly well. All this time, apart from academics, I had firmly set foot at basketball and singing. I passed out school with an image of an all rounder. 

And there, you woke up. Probably you could not bear my fight to what you did to me at my birth. You could not understand how I could pick myself up from the bottom and get to the top. So you decided to mess yourself up for me. 

Being a medical aspirant, I had my only focus at medicine as my career. I must tell you, as you might already know, that we are not of any Ambani or Tata or Gates descent. We also are not extremely deficient in resources and facilities. A middle class, or probably just upper middle class family you could say. So, with a restrained hand, I was financed for my coaching classes. But alas, as you had woken up, you made it sure I do not make it to any medical school, whatsoever. So I couldn't. Not that I am blaming you completely for it, but this was what happened. And you were right there, watching me. Next, you taught me good lessons during the year I dropped to prepare again. I learnt a good part of my lessons during that time. Alone, with all my friends joining different colleges, I had to hide you from the world. You were not looking any beautiful at all.

Second attempt, I cleared five exams. But then, I got a good alternative of a different course. I joined that. A good decision I must say. And I ensured that you changed your attire and start looking beautiful. You tried that, and I could feel you. You smelled good. You felt good. During my college, you were somewhat ugly in the beginning, but later on you decided to give me some respite from your apathy. You turned to being awesome. And I fell in love with you.

I stayed away from home for the 5 nearly perfect years of my college. I loved coming back during the vacations. However, you did not let me feel that you were conspiring of an entirely different agenda for me under my nose. The welcome and the stay at home used to be like in a perfect family. That was because it used to be short, though this was left for a later date for me to realise it. Nothing was in a disarray. Five years passed like breeze. After securing an excellent placement in a well reputed company, half of my goals were achieved. You brought me as a less fortunate in this world. But I, being the most different from the crowd, grew to become the most sought after.

However, your agenda came to surface later on. It has been 3 months now that I am at home, waiting for my joining which would be another 2 months later. I did not realise that staying away from home, from my parents, and my younger brother who was not unfortunate like me at birth (Touchwood, God forbid), would change the affection that I got from them. The point of view that my family had towards me, changed to  slightly formal. Today, when I stand in front of them I feel less loved. Living on my own, struggling on my own, I rose to achieve what I never thought I would. This probably developed a habit in me of fighting on my own, losing on my own and winning on my own. So, it was like staying on my own. But I feel, as if staying away from them, made me more separate, rather than more self reliant. I am looked at as if living in "Secrecy" than living on my own. My brother does not experience any of such vibes at home. He is relaxed and he is dealt with relaxations. I, being the elder son, is dealt with reservations.My social networking sites, are casually surfed by them. They later on tell me that what ever they do, they have done it in their life and that they are totally cool with it. I  don't have a problem with them peeping in, but I have a problem in the fact that I abuse there, I have fun with my college people and you don't abuse in front of your elders do you? So when they read that, it feels really awkward. The issue is, why this curiosity in my life, why not my brother's? I am questioned every now and then. I have no idea why. You are becoming nasty again, and believe my, I am not liking that even one damn bit.

Which card did you play now? I had won over all the troubles you threw at me, and now this is such a confusing move you made. Now how do I get around you? Why do I feel strange with my own family? This is a great deal mind you, because they matter to me. Like, a lot.

Here, I must admit that I am saying this because I am feeling this. It might be true, it might be false. I know my mother. She still gets berserk even if I have a simple headache. My Dad, is still bossy over if I do something wrong. If he would have not cared, he would not have uttered even a single word. Then why am I made to feel this disconnection? Why am I made to feel that I have done a big wrong, or have even sinned for that matter of fact? Why am I treated with suspicion? Why can't I just be loved like always? 

I do not know if you would be able to answer all this. And as trifle it might seems, it is not. Come, wear my shoes. You'll feel the bite. I love them beyond infinity, and probably they also do. But I am being pushed in the corner. I am being sidelined. You have been one tough ride, and I feel good to have been able to win over the troubles you forced down my throat. But I cannot live with ignorance of the loved ones. I don't care about the world, and I live in my own. However, there are some people who are bound to your breath. Without whom, you cannot imagine your existence. For me, my family is that. 

So, if it's really hard for you to feel what is being cornered suddenly, what is being ignored and what is losing your place, just imagine when your rival, Ms. Death comes knocking at your door, displaces you of your throne, and shows you the middle finger. That's how I am feeling right now.

Being The Less Favourite

I really have no idea how to put this across. I don't even know whether writing this would be right or wrong. All I know is, its hard to keep it in. I had to vent it out. So here I go.


Sometimes you end up questioning yourself, where did you go wrong? Why is it that the people around you; mind it the same people whom you love from the bottom of your heart, subject you to griefs which seem humanly impossible to get dissolved? Why, in this whole world, you feel targeted? Not that you are the only son, or the only one, yet you feel the elbow of disgrace, poking you in the gut, and asking you to step out, become the odd one out. And you do that, because the moment you retort, you are seen as an insensitive and ill mannered human, who doesn't respect the "pragmatic" views of elders. So, you remain mum, and bear the  shelling of the circumstances. And this is repeated over and over again. You are asked questions, doubts are raised,  there is interference in your dialogues and you are forcibly cornered. 


All this when a person of a less age, less qualification, less prominence and less awareness is loved more by the same people. Its like, in a college, when the super seniors  lash out at the seniors in front of their immediate juniors. You are the one who is doubted. And its painful. 


But still, you live and breathe. Because, "Subah hoti ha, aur sham hot hai, zindagi mere dost yahi tamam hoti hai.."

The Wings That Bleed

~~~

The pen that struts of my feelings,

Carries along a pompous lie,

Because my ambitions are mashed by perpetual thoughts,

And thus, the wings that bleed, can never fly.

~~~