Bidding goodbye to a loved one isn't easy, whatsoever. When the tough looked soldier glances back for that one last time, in those distant yet captive eyes of his mother, before leaving to step in the arduous battlefield, its a sombre sight. Though not of that magnitude, but it is tough to leave the place which provides you flawless care and compassion. Its called home. And I crave to be here.
Its hard to go. Its not that my destination is too bad. Its one of the dream destinations for quite a few and remains on the top of the charts for creating envy withing those who never got a chance to be there. The only problem is, this place here, Delhi, my home, its just too good to be here. The love isn't a showoff. The care isn't for self interest. When you are at home, the meals aren't bought or won. They are fed with umpteen emotions, all derivatives of profuse and selfless love. And it shows. The sleep is unhindered. When the eyes close, you are sure that you would not get disturbed. It is said that a man who sleeps peacefully at the end of the day, entails the maximum happiness out of life. You don't have to 'think and talk' . You dont have to seek help for implementation of your ideas. The feeling of light shoulders, shedding some responsibilities for some time feels bliss. To lie down and bake in the sun without thinking about the money shortage, projects, seniors, politics. It surely is something to die for.
This something isnt there with many. Many, dont have homes. And this realisation first leads to prayers for them, and thanks for us.
Presently, its time. I have to leave for yet another term away from this heaven on earth. And I dont like it for sure. I, personally feel blessed to be here. My prayers are for every man out there, that he who sheds sweat and blood hard day in and day out, if wants to feel eternal bliss, should come.....Home.
PS: I would try my best to be active here, though i cant promise. Tc ppl.
As the moon ascends to conquer the night,
His inside wails aloud in might,
Oh he rushes behind the walls,
Tries to suppress, suppress it all..
But Alas he knows,
He knows its changing,
Oh Yes,
He knows its the call.
And, there, Oh it begins,
Like a dreading werewolf, on a self derail,
The mighty claws of doubts enlarge,
Ready to pounce upon his scars,
The torso unfolds to magnanimous proportions,
Ah that is the pain of his untold emotions,
The stark realities of the lonely cries,
Lie in the blood soaked vehement eyes!
And there it rises tall in front of him,
His demon to him,
His Conscience within.
To define the desperateness in me is not going to require knowledge of a hundred books. You just have to be with me, near me. Several people claim to understand it though, I can bet on my life, they aren’t even close. Only because they aren’t with me. They don’t know. They aren’t living me. My thoughts reiterate the questions, and for the answers...they are yet to be found.
Where and when did I lose myself? A sinister moment for sure. However, I wonder whether it was just a moment. But if it wasn’t, how is it possible that I did not realise! I mean, I was losing the man I was so proud of, that is me, and it was me only who was losing me, and how come I couldn’t stop myself during all that time? Sounds so idiotic! But it is true. And I abhor the apathy. Presently, as I embrace the shrieks of street kids playing in the sun, I am trying to recollect any vision, howsoever botched up it might be, of me being similarly content and happy, unconcerned with the surroundings, and with myself, like the kids.
And as usual, all efforts go empty. Presently, I feel the need of herculean strength to jot down all this. Why? I left writing ages ago. Those tit bits that I have penned down recently, na..I read them and my instinct clearly pops up; it was not me. I was brilliant. I was confident. I love(d) writing. But now, I can’t recollect the feeling when I actually ‘wrote’ last. In quite a similar manner, it seems my hero, that made me proud, was slained long ago.
I wish for a morning that does not begin with,
“Oh shit I again got up late, now the time available would be less, and ideally I should have bathed till now, I should do that, I have to read this, I have to listen to that...”.
Followed by, “Now what to do, where to start from. Forget it would sleep a bit more. NO! Get up! Its 12!.”
...and further,
“I am not being up to the mark; I just need to tweak myself up a little bit. I have to read that novel, I have to read newspaper, Oh, also the news. Damn, there was a bag that I had to get stitched. What about my music? I need to get into a band, I love that. And my profession? I am pretty good at that but yes i still need to gear up. Get information and knowledge. Oh damn my final year is approaching, need to prepare for the placements too. I need to plan my future... I mean what after college? Should I go abroad? Do i have to give all those shitty exams? Should I join this or should I study further? I am getting so fed up, I think I should write.
(I open the laptop, and sit in front of it, with a page opened in front and my hands on the keyboard..)
“How should I begin? Ok this would be good....no no .... *delete* *delete* *delete*.....Shit I cant write anymore. I am lost.
.......after 25 min or so...
“Its 5pm, and I still haven’t read the news paper.....................................................”
And it begins again. And I hate it from the pit of my gut.
One thing that I can recognise in me is that the desire for exorbitant knowledge, that I borne during secondary school, has revived profusely (My unparalleled interest while listening to the Lok Sabha proceedings and craving to know the history of any damn country or place or thing, vouches for that immensely! Mind you, I was a student who used to almost puke at the name of ‘History’ and never went above 30’s or 40’s in Social Studies). But the ends don’t fit together. I don’t know why. I seek umpteen knowledge, but I don’t know where to begin. I know there is no method of gaining knowledge, but thats what. Gaining knowledge is, and should not be obviously, the only thing in life! All the things that I want to do, never get aligned. Never are in order. And I know, in the recent one or two years everything has just remained incomplete.
I read the newspaper, I don’t grab the news, I look for excellent vocab. Later on, when I realise I don’t remember anything from the newspaper, I get frustrated that I wasted so much time. I was gifted a Salman Rushdie by a friend last May, believe me, I have not even finished the first five chapters! I mean, me, who used to literally lick off novels, of the likes of Harry Potter in 2 – 3 days, has been unable to finish one in more than a year!! Shameful. And highly discouraging. And like this, several things flash in front of me, reminding of my incompetency. Its seriously disheartening.
I don’t know from where to begin, what to do to achieve peace of mind. Every minute my brain keeps on spinning like a machines rotor. Thinking and thinking...I want it to rest. I want peace. I want to be satisfied with myself. I want to face the mirror and outdo my let downs. I want to see that look in my eyes, that killing confidence...I want to get in order. I want to be me.
Once Dad said, looking at a match of Sania Mirza, while she was resting for a moment,
“Forget about the idiocy of this woman, just look at her eyes right now. She is resting, but look at the way she is looking at her opponent. No cruelty, just intense confidence and an attacking spirit. This is the way you have to attack challenges of life.”
I'm in search of a revamp. And that is why I am here to vent it out. If you know me, you would understand what I just said. If you don't know me, welcome to my world. You would soon understand what I just said!
