?s

So here am I. Leaving home to step in shit once again. I wonder why life needs to be so complicated. Why people are so unaware of their personal self. Why do they thrive on sadistic approach towards life. Grudge, just because the other one is better than you, isnt it a total loss of energy? I just wish people understood this...Or maybe I understood the cynicism. Maybe then my mind would feel confident. Confident of sheer happiness.

WTF

I am packing again. The very mention of  the word "college" ensues sourness upon me. Its been approximately 2 years now since I have stopped liking college (and in total its been 3 years since I entered college, wow). The mystery does not only involve the reclusion towards college, it points fingers at various other aspects; one being myself. Very often I dig deep down inside me to find the reasons for it, but every attempt leaves me more confused. And now I am really tired of trying.

I really have a pretty strong nonsensical feel right now. Because I have no idea where this is going. I know there is a lot of mess inside me, that is for sure. And I really want to sort it out. Its been long since I am accumulating all this shit and now its brimming, ready to explode, like a volcano probably. The only issue is that I probably don't know what  is the question. What is my confusion all about?? I do NOT want to think! I feel so damn stagnant. I get scared when I think that nothing at all is moving in my life, except time. Time has moved so far away, and I am still stuck. Where? I dont know. But I AM stuck. A better word to describe what I feel is "left behind", far behind. I feel like sitting besides a lake in an accelerating time warp. I feel I am still stuck, but time has moved on. Its where it should be, probably 2-3 yrs ahead of where I am. This feeling, is hell scary and excessively demotivating.

For eg,  when you see the younger generation around you, knowing more stuff than you, that too in a much better way, it shatters your own image of being an elder. You are supposed to guide them! Now what do you do when they laugh at your face because you are stuck? Because you dont know stuff? When they are relaxed and having fun and you, still trapped in your own conscience and your own questions?? It stabs your confidence right in the center. And mind you, the few lines above that are written in second person, are not actually meant to be like that. I am talking about myself here.

I know if someone reads this, they would ask, "What in the world is this guy actually trying to say!??" I am trying to put the pieces together. I am trying to solve all the questions which are staring and blaring at me! I want to live life and not remain stuck in between these questions.


Its not that people dont respect me. They do. But when I am in college, I see people forming groups. And i am in NONE. I talk to everyone, but people consider me as someone who is different. And yes maybe i am different, but why do i feel hurt when no one bothers to ask me when they are going out? Or why have I not formed connections well enough so that I dont feel awkward in going to someones place very often? Why do I feel I am expendable? What the hell is lacking in me?


Till recently, I was in a totally hopeless situation. I mean, recently I changed my image a bit due to something that happened. Someone very close to me made me realise what is STANDING FOR YOURSELF. I am very sober, extremely "boring" for the world (ppl close to me would never agree to this), very mature, very silent etc etc...people around me? The Opposite. Vibrant, Persistently commenting, pulling legs, downgrading ppl....once twice thrice, its ok. But continously!!! for 3 YEARS!!?? I somehow never gelled with that. That too in an EVIL way, kaminapan you can cal it. 






I dont know what I am writing. Signing off. 
(Th problem still remains :(.......)