Sunday, November 7, 2010


I am packing again. The very mention of  the word "college" ensues sourness upon me. Its been approximately 2 years now since I have stopped liking college (and in total its been 3 years since I entered college, wow). The mystery does not only involve the reclusion towards college, it points fingers at various other aspects; one being myself. Very often I dig deep down inside me to find the reasons for it, but every attempt leaves me more confused. And now I am really tired of trying.

I really have a pretty strong nonsensical feel right now. Because I have no idea where this is going. I know there is a lot of mess inside me, that is for sure. And I really want to sort it out. Its been long since I am accumulating all this shit and now its brimming, ready to explode, like a volcano probably. The only issue is that I probably don't know what  is the question. What is my confusion all about?? I do NOT want to think! I feel so damn stagnant. I get scared when I think that nothing at all is moving in my life, except time. Time has moved so far away, and I am still stuck. Where? I dont know. But I AM stuck. A better word to describe what I feel is "left behind", far behind. I feel like sitting besides a lake in an accelerating time warp. I feel I am still stuck, but time has moved on. Its where it should be, probably 2-3 yrs ahead of where I am. This feeling, is hell scary and excessively demotivating.

For eg,  when you see the younger generation around you, knowing more stuff than you, that too in a much better way, it shatters your own image of being an elder. You are supposed to guide them! Now what do you do when they laugh at your face because you are stuck? Because you dont know stuff? When they are relaxed and having fun and you, still trapped in your own conscience and your own questions?? It stabs your confidence right in the center. And mind you, the few lines above that are written in second person, are not actually meant to be like that. I am talking about myself here.

I know if someone reads this, they would ask, "What in the world is this guy actually trying to say!??" I am trying to put the pieces together. I am trying to solve all the questions which are staring and blaring at me! I want to live life and not remain stuck in between these questions.

Its not that people dont respect me. They do. But when I am in college, I see people forming groups. And i am in NONE. I talk to everyone, but people consider me as someone who is different. And yes maybe i am different, but why do i feel hurt when no one bothers to ask me when they are going out? Or why have I not formed connections well enough so that I dont feel awkward in going to someones place very often? Why do I feel I am expendable? What the hell is lacking in me?

Till recently, I was in a totally hopeless situation. I mean, recently I changed my image a bit due to something that happened. Someone very close to me made me realise what is STANDING FOR YOURSELF. I am very sober, extremely "boring" for the world (ppl close to me would never agree to this), very mature, very silent etc etc...people around me? The Opposite. Vibrant, Persistently commenting, pulling legs, downgrading ppl....once twice thrice, its ok. But continously!!! for 3 YEARS!!?? I somehow never gelled with that. That too in an EVIL way, kaminapan you can cal it. 

I dont know what I am writing. Signing off. 
(Th problem still remains :(.......)


Tweety said...

sigh..confusion confusion all around...i can't say i have a solution for you because i don't...i have had different set of questions in life as you already know..that bother me still..they continue to haunt at different point of time in life...and den it leads to similar consequences...the lack of confidence in oneself...inability to relate where you are...what you are doing...all these questions bang on you...and you keep searching for answers and you get none...and here you are all messed up

so what i do is i stop looking for them...make peace with your questions...somethings the sooner u accept the less they hurt...keep on questioning why they do this or that.neither will u get answer nor will u be happy...accept it...people can't be the way we want them to be...not every one is as self-less or emotional as u are...and here i am not calling u an emotional fool...but yes u are many respects...and sometimes more than often believe me you are better than them...

this can go long but i assure you..i have tried works..accepting doesn't becoming indifferent to just means you are wise enough to let them be the way they are...and you being the way you are..

love ya..

Scribbling Girl said...

U said the end in the end "STANDING for URSELF "- this says it all. You wouldn't believe back in school i was more a follower then maybe a leader in one stage of my life- I didn't mind being a doormat sometimes and ppl didn't mind.......and then I changed, life changed and today many so called ' fake' ppl say u have changed- y because i am no longer a yes mam kinds, I learnt to say no and i have a mind of my own----some even went abt saying i tht u will be settled after grad- so its a shoe on ur mouth that i am more qualified than u-----

So u might feel alone as u say but fact is u r more with real ppl than u ever were- today am not longer the social person i was- i no longer keep in touch with ppl (except for ones I want to)- months go without me interacting and i dont get bored- my work, my writings and some special frnds are enuf - and i know once i know where my life goes which might be once my career is done there will tons wanna be frnds.

Just pull urself- focus on what requires the focus- ur career which decides ur future- go with the flow and trust me rest will follow- when u feel life is falling is when God gives u strongest grip to hold....i got mine in such points in life ......u know ur worth and life's worth-----so just follow it with 'I can do it " with a smile that true friends still stay aside me :)

Aparna said...

you've a very chaotic mind....

try to read in your college library to expand your knowledge base...if you think the juniors are more knowledgeful than you

enjoy ur college life....put the worries on pause mode

Nik said...

@Aparna ??? Umm....i wasnt talking abt my juniors! College library??

Nik said...

@shwe n nabs Wud talk on chat

Nik said...

@shwe n nabs Wud talk on chat