Monday, April 27, 2009

The Moment (Part III)

Hi guys!..Me back with the third part.... :) Hope you enjoy this.... Have fun!! ;) The first two are:
1- here
2- here

The Journey

"Abe kya hua.....?" His friend nudged him. And the picture dissolved. The picture of his Wonder Girl. He was still fighting with his thoughts. When something frustrating of this magnitude happens, and people expect you to 'relax' and be 'normal'; its all the more frustrating. Sitting in that autorickshaw, with his feet rested on his suitcase, he looked at Bangalore swifting past him, with the wind slapping hard against his "Gulgula Cheeks". Gulgula .... with this word he felt, as if his mind shifted gears. To the present.

They stepped off the auto. His friend paid the autowallah as he stepped at the entryway, flanked by rose bushes and moneyplants and a marble staircase leading to the floors above. He waited for his friend, and as he was staring at the beautiful flat, he got the usual one on the back of his head. "Come on, move!" And he sensed he made a joke of himself. He was staring at the wrong house. It was the one besides. Absent mindedness was his virtue since he became aware of himself, which is every single morning. So he moved to the flat, which surely did look like a room on rent for an engineering student. Black patches of worn off paint on the walls, typical dusty floor, half broken steps of the cemented stairs ...and what not! They went in, and the aroma of food greeted them. Their stomachs seemed to purge gastric juices like the water spewed out of a gardners thin pipe, and they understood the call of hunger. Without further delay, he was asked to get fresh and appear for the floor, on the widespread clothsheet, unlike his expectations of a dining table. But his adaptability rescued him. He went for a shower, and the soothingly refreshing water shut his mind and relaxed every inch of his scalp. And then restarted his mind. And it struck to him. Tomorrow, he would be having lunch with her. After a span of 2 years. And he smiled.

After the food, lounging on the bean chair was the best idea. It had been an hour or so since they got over with lunch, and discussing about last year coaching classes. The smooth wind caressing him, and his hair freshly fluffy, he stood up with his cup of cappuccino, he could see almost a lot of Bangalore from this terrace. And memories, and excitement erupted as a combination. They both discussed, about meeting after a year, about what all they encountered in the past year, about lost friends, about not getting through exams, about not becoming doctors but engineers! Anything and everything under the blue moon. Friendship blossomed after a very long time, as this young college life gifted them one thing both were seeking since last year: Peace.

The sun faded away, and dusk set in. Afternoon in Bangalore also seemed like an evening time. Atleast to him, as he was used to the hot, sweaty and humid Delhi air. They had fun talking about everything, and now it was time to move out. Roam around in Bangalore. Discover what he had not in the previous visit. They went to his friend's college, and he enjoyed the visit. As soon as they were about to walk back to the room, after having a hot chocolate fudge each, after he was shown the beauty around (both scenic and otherwise), he recollected that he had to buy something. A gift. A gift for her. Tomorrow he would travel 300 kms away from this place. Just to see her after 2 long, patient and uptight years. A conscious , beautiful yet humming excitement filled his heart. And he bought the gift..smiling at his own stupid, lovestruck self. All his friend used to ask him was, "Hua kya hai tujhe? I know tu yahaan kyun aaya hai...but fir bhi??!!! Are you insane?" And his consistent unwavering reply woould be, "Tu nahi samjhega."

Next morning the train was supposed to be boarded at 6:00 am. But owing to the 3 movies and "college life fun stuff" last night with his friend and his three other friends, he realised that it was 9:00am when he woke up. Laughing at themselves, they got ready and he asked his friend the remaining alternatives. "Catch the earliest bus. Main tujhe Majestic pe drop kardunga." Without delay they left. And dropping him at Majestic, for a first time journey to the destination, his friend left, wishing him best of journey and a safe one more importatntly. Attributing to the hurry and the excitement, he just jumped in an average bus, and left Bangalore at around 9:45am. All that was left now, was just the meeting. After just about 6 hours. It seemed like a dream come true. And considering the fact that she had the knowledge that he would be arriving three days from present day, this surprise arrival would surely be eventful and memorable!

Witnessing the beauty on the way, he did not sleep for even a fraction of second. The company in the bus was not really one to keep him busy. So his headphones, and the cool breeze were his friends. The sight of windmills at a distance, on the mountains, looked like a call. A call towards love. The flashback started. Her vibrant face lit up as he closed his eyes. The moments together, the warm hugs, the numerous passionate kisses, the unparalleled fun, the annoying tease statements, the coaching class footsie, the class bunks to be together, the assuring hand holds, the early morning fights, the unending phone conversations all throughout the nights....everything became vividly alive and tingled him somewhere inside. He was sure... something memorable is so damn sure to happen!

He walked towards the gate and could see her friend with whom he made the plan to surprise her. Surprise her by arriving 3 days earlier than she was told. Her friend waved energetically enough to confirm him that she was his partner in crime! They met and took the next step as decided...bring her there for a random reason. Her friend went to find her. He stood there. There, in front of the gate, near that dhaba. The view of the walkway from where she would come was blocked as he stood just besides, sticking to the wall at the turn. Yet far away from the turn. The surprise element was gripping him from inside. He was about to see her. Damn! It was happening. Everything inside him was haywire, but unlike girls, he could not let it get revealed on his descriptive, now red hot excitement filled face. Unknowingly his feet were tapping alternately, and his palms rabbing against each other.

Then all movement was paused. He could hear the footsteps, standing at a distance from the corner, sticking to the wall. Steps of many people walking. Like 3-4 of them.

His breath suddenly fell deep in his throat, he could feel his stomach intensely churning as the steps came real close, just around the corner...

Guys I had to rush somewhere, so will update it soon. I guess it might be having some mistakes...

Friday, April 24, 2009


Often the path of "undisputed" love,
Unbelievably weakens and gets pinned down,
By the blood stained hands of the malevolent destiny,
With scars of petty mistakes bleeding around..

Often we wonder why and how,
Smiles metamorphosed into grieving lours,
Why that site becomes the foulest one,
Where we spent our myriad hours...

Then Often we wish,
To return.
To Walk down the lane,
And reach the Turn..

Where we once stood holding their hand,
But now all that remains is a barren land...

So here, at this restive turn,
We wish, and cast a deadly spell,
Rip apart the sky...flame the Earth,
And careen.. and fall, to wake up in hell..

But we choose this survive it, In hope..
In hope to reunite the two soul gores,

And thus we parley so much more..

Parley in symphony with demons of hell,
With the very famous demon known as "DaYs Of YoRe" (DoY)!

And we fight, we argue, we fight, we lose,
We win, we lose, we fail with moves,
We adopt to IGNORE, but DoY scores!
Hauls the memories out of our grooves!

And like this we struggle, alone till months,
Fighting one on one the likes of DoY,
And with the "Sword of Patience" and "The Faith Gun",
Victorious you rise! But then you fall mum..

The redness of fire dissolves and its silent,
The place is now Heaven blue, with nothing as violent...

And then you hear the steps,
The walk of a very familiar form,
And out of the white haze,
You see THEM!

THEM, for whom you were bruised for months prolonged!

And a sudden light spreads around,
Engulfs the two of you, and jars you down,
And you wake up with THEM lying in your arms,
So tranquil yet bruised, you kiss them around..

this is a story thats seen around,
And Often it happens with people who love,
Its a wish not to soil it again and keep it crowned,
Because Often ...this LOVE is pure as dove...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Moment (Part II)

Hey guys.. Here's the second one...! ;P Cheers :)

The Journey
As his head collided with the wall of the train compartment, he managed to take a glance first at his watch and then outside the window. It was 5 am. He could hear the monotone of the "chaiwalla" which confirmed their halt at a station. He managed to look out with his heavy, tired eyes after clearing the hazy glass window. The dawn was on the verge of greeting him. It was bluish-white, windy and supposedly cold outside. He could see the red cloth getting swayed high up and vanishing in the air of Bina Jn. He was weel versed with the way now. Every station and its timing was etched subtly in his memory. Discarding every suggestion his mind put forth, he slided down back and was about to close his eyes. When his eyes fell on something. Something so captivating that he could not sleep anymore! He positioned himself to the maximum view and got fixed.

Alight by the blueness of the pre-dawn light, the girl in front seemed to be having the best sleep of her life. The blanket was just below her chin, as if intentionally slided down by God to let her pearlish, smooth and fairly white face light up the surroundings. The air inside the compartment was slowly meddling with her blonde tresses making the streaks slip and fall on her smooth cheeks with their ends falling on her thin yet seducing lips. He could feel the bewilderment caused to him. He routinely checked if someone around him was awake and staring at him perplexed at the beautiful sight. He could have wished for nothing better. And those moments were interrupted by a lady. Oh! How he cursed her! How he wanted to pause that moment of eloquent beauty! But as he wished for more the train screechingly came to a halt. He was about to move. But, she moved first.

Opening her angelic eyes, he looked towards him. And got conscious. Sat up straight, and slided near the window. She yawned and stretched reluctantly, conscious about her impeccable beauty.
He got conscious too, of his not-so-finely carved actions as she had. But what men are known for, he too was busy in portraying "cool" and "I-dont-care" attitude. When she struck.

Her: "Where have we reached?"

(Looking towards her with extreme "coolness" and fumbles) Itawa...oh sorry...Itarsi Jn.

Ohk! Thank You.

She took out her phone and called someone. After disconnecting the call, she comforted herself on the seat and looked out. He gathered all courage and blurted:

Him: Going to Bangalore?

Her: (Smiling) Yes.

Him: So you belong to Delhi or just paid a visit here?

Her: Arre nahi, main to dilli me hi rehti hun. Near east of kailash. Bangalore to bas relatives se milne jaa rahi hun. Tum kahaan se ho?

He never expected such comfort from her! Not at all! She sounded like she knows him since her birth! And he replied:

Him: Delhi se hi hun. Just completed my first semester of college. Chuttiyan thi to doston se milne jaa raha hun.

Her: Ohk! So you seem to be more of a "all-for-my-friends" person! Masti karne ka plan hai poora!?

And something inside him took a sigh of relief! And they hit off! Lunch time approached and both of them knew almost every detail about wach other. He told he stared at her in the morning, she hit him with her hands. She told him that she was scared of him in the starting, and he gave her a hi-five for theor friendship now! They went to the train door, stood there. Whole afternoon. They laughed upon the fact that why did they pay for the A/C ticket if they had to stand out only! They gossiped endlessly. Around 6, they reached Dharmavaram. And they stepped off the train on the platform.

The evening sky greeted them. They took a plate of daal-pakoda and shared it. The train moved, and they ran towards it! Climbed it and laughed their hearts out! Nothing awkward had happened yet. And there wasn't any scope if it either. Acoording to him only. They teased each other, exchanged phone numbers, exchanged hugs, and became best of friends. The journey was perfect. They had dinner together, played a game of checkers, discussed about their professional goals, about their families, about their interests, likes and dislikes...anything and everything under the sky! He felt like as if this was better than reaching Bangalore. They conversed till 3am. Talking on every random topic they could. Talking endlessly. When finally she said that she was hell tired and wanted to sleep. He agreed. But before dozing off, she struck again:

She: Oye! Idhar aa...
He: (Leaning Forward)
She: (Planted the smoothest and the most caressing kiss on his cheek)
He: Ye kya tha?
She: Kuch nahi...aish kar! Aur so ja!

Next morning something awkward did happen. He woke up at 11.30 and was amazed at a note in his pocket which read:

"Hi idiot,
Remember I didnt tell you something yesterday at Dharmavaram? I am suffering from breast cancer. I was not going to Bangalore. I will get off at 5am. You are snoring like a bear! I am going to get myself checked. Infact to get myself confirmed, that am I really gonna survive only 3 months or can I expect myself on this Earth for a bit longer time.

You commented that I came across to you as a girl who doesnt fear anything. Yes I dont! Coz' I dont fear death now! Its been 6 months now since i was diagnosed. And it doesnt matter anymore. Theres just one thing that matters to me now. YOU. Yes I Love You! I know thats bad but I can't help it! And I am as usual chirpy and telling you this with all my cuteness. So smile.

And by the way, we won't meet ever. And won't be able to talk also. (The no. I gave you is wrong. I didnt want you to go mad trying to contact me!) And nothing is SERIOUS. I JUST LIKE YOU. So dont be caring and sad as usual and dont think about me. Just take care of yourself and live life happily! I hope you find a girl who loves you lot! And takes care of you and your bhullakadness! I am happy. I will be happy always, even after leaving this world. (Maybe because I met you in the last moments!) Dont you worry.

Ok ab mera station aa raha hai. Mujhe jaana hoga. (Picchli baar bhi teri wajah se hi chhootne wala tha!) Please khush rahiyo and be with your family. Children are treasures of their parents. Make them proud.

Mmmwaah! Bbye!

Wonder Girl. :)

He didnt know what to do. He couldnt absorb it. He just couldnt. He went to the washroom and cried his heart out. Feeling light he returned to his seat. In just 3o some hours, he met a beautiful human being, me awarded her the place of one of the most treaured relations he had in his now lost heart. And now he had to delete the place. He had to erase everything. It was damn tough.

Sitting at the seat, the sun shone upon him. He couldnt feel it. How he wished he could see his wonder girl once again and scold her. And then hug her. How he wished he would have guessed her feelings. He just considered her a very good friend. How could he not see it in her! And then he knew. Her eloquent beauty enshrouded her feelings. Her pearlish fairly white faced decieved him. Her blonde hair hid every single of her desires under it. How he wished he could have told her that he is already commited. That he is going to meet his someone special to Bangalore.

Lost in his agonizing wishes, he saw the yellow board of Bangalore Jn. nearing him. The train halted. He stepped off the train and tried to forget the incident as a nightmare. But it failed. It was tagged. Embedded in him. He did not tell anyone about this ever in future. He just wondered, "Can anything be more spontaneously hurting? Can anything be more devastating?"

And securely placing the journey and "Her" on the sacred pedestal named "My Wonder Girl" in himself, he stepped ahead and greeted his friend with a smiling face, and a crying heart...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

An accidental morning... (ewww!)

At this point of time, I am experiencing such vivid twirls in my heart, that it makes me go bonkers in my brain. Its 6:31 am and the first thought that came to my mind was, "What the hell am I doing online at this time? Am I really awake!!? Or is it a dream that refuses to establish its identity! How the hell could you commit this sin of getting up so early!!" Running in the meadow of my beautiful thoughts, some erogenous, some tempting me enough to just close my eyes and just fall back to sleep, others alarming me of the conscious battle fury which I engaged myself into last night, dedicated towards making a decision of studying this semester... I decide to just pen down my state right now.

Why am I wasting time here on net? I should be studying instead! That was the primer. The frozen nerve feeling at my pinky, arising from the elbow joint managed to dissuade me from me drawing conclusions. I got reminded of this friend of mine. A very close friend. According to her, I 'malfunction' after 12 o'clock in the night. And again in the morning with the sun, I transcend into this personality of a normal engineering student. I wonder how this is possible? Have I grown into one classic case of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? What crap am I thinking at 6:30 in the morning!!!!!!!!!!

I break my reverie with the help of her reminiscences fruiting inside me. I get this non familiar feeling of discomfort inside me. Surprizingly discomfort as this wasn't associated with her. Actually, this shouldn't be associated with her. Like you jolt, when you accidently touch a metallic frame of a cooler without earthing, I too jolted, though all inside on the thought of her being with me again. I so wish not to think about it. Successfull in this attempt to curb this feeling, I draw out the curtains to let the sunshine embrace my face and make it warm..I open my eyes and let the light fall upon me..and then it clicked:

"To hell with everything, its just 6:45! Go to sleep moron!!"

And allowing myself for this, I fall back on this routine hostel bed of mine, with this blue printed bedsheet, and just wonder, "how damn random can my life be? I woke up at 6:30 in the morning to write this thing!!!?? Do I really need medical care?

No, maybe its just the "malfunction". And I enjoy it. It lets me introspect in my mad mad way. Though its some crappy, insignificant stuff that breeds in my useless brain, it does find its significance on its own at some later point in time. In life. And what could be more comforting than the feeling of knowing yourself, knowing your desires and being able to soul-search with effectiveness? This could be enough to eradicate the evil around in humanity if people dwell upon their innerselves. Just randomly like it happened with me this accidental morning. And then this applies:
"If you know what you want, then you know how to work towards getting it." Simple.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Moment(Part I)

Hey guys..this is something which I wanted to post for a long time now. A series, with its first part right here. Hope you enjoy reading...!

"Yes its happening!" He enjoyed this tingling echo which he felt every 10 minutes now! Fiddling with his plans continuously, he packed his suitcase and waited eagerly for the taxi to arrive. His parents were experiencing utmost joy seeing their son smiling like never before. Acknowledging the happiness, he stood up. Went and hugged his mom and said, "Maa, thank you for this." And he heard the horn. Retaining the giddiness, he hugged everyone and almost ran down the stairs and seated himself in the car. This was the beginning of the journey.

All the way to the station he had postulated. About this step of his. Just for her. Just for both of them. After 1.5 years this was happening! And that too like this! He stepped at Platform No. 1 of New Delhi Railway Station. The usual paranoia of the place failed to disengage him from his giddiness. Monday night was surely a busy day at the station. A push here and a pull there..everything was perfect. The same lady clad in a green suit, was at the enquiry. He knew her. She waived at him and expressed her wish to talk to he. He managed his way in the cubicle and sat besides her, and she came up with her usual question, "Ab Kahaan?"


Her: "Firse?"

Him: "Haanji aunty, but picchli 4 baar ki tarah, is baar exam denen nahi jaa raha!"

Her: "Then for what?"

Him: "Arre nothing, just to meet a friend. Summer break in college so planned this."

Her: "Ok!"

And someone demanded her to do her job and she got busy. She didnt know which friend. She could even guess an ounce of excitement that he posessed at that instance. He left and bought himself a Sprite and waited at the bench. And in 15 mins, at around 8.45 pm he could hear the shunting of the train. He boarded it and searched for his berth. He wished for good company. And seeing a beautiful girl right in front of him, his wish was it had been for the past 3 months of his life! 36 hours of journey awaited him. Tucking his suitcase under the seat, and covering himself in is warm blanket, he made himself comfortable. The train moved in the typical suddenness. A suddenness that somehow complemented the darkness out of the window. And the chilly cold inside the A/C compartment. The sound of Nickelback greeted his ears as he put the headphones on. With cute kids playing around, and this beautiful girl buried consciously in her Robin Cook novel, he felt it. Its going to be just about perfect. Like The Beginning, the journey was surely going to be one of his best...

PS: I write here too.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Unexplainaible

A man started penning down his diary entry as usual.

"Dear diary,
This would be my last entry.

"Lift the lid. It would be underneath my plate..yes, that one. The brown one." His cracked voice seemed to consume all the breath he collected the 2 struggling hours. Shivering hands, and an impregnable desire in his blind eyes, led me to do what he requested. I picked it up and blew off the dust from the hardbound cover. There it was embedded in bold magenta, the words, "Diary 1958".

The sounds of the vintage cars, the wailing of the kids in the market, the beer cans on the streets and the trucks thumping up and down the lanes... Germany was full of life on a sunny October afternoon. His hair and the sunlight were true lovers. They could not be seperated. There was this peculiar yet familiar zing around his character. He possessed a very prominent spark in him. The one which you get when you feel that you are the are on top of this materialistic world. When you achieve something as rare as true peace. It was this spark that drove me to him. Everyday at 2pm. Regularly, now...for the past 12 years.

I looked at the rusted clock behind me. I can look now, was a random feeling that arose. Its been 9 years since that smoke made me blind, and I underwent an eye transplant. But this random feeling arises in me very frequently now. Flipping through the pages with sheer disinterest, I glanced at him. He was smiling. I wished that I could ask, "Do you realise I have other patients to attend? Can you be quick?" But I couldnt because i just couldnt be rude to him. So I asked,"Abel, which part do you really want me to read out to you?" He replied in his broken, husky, and now typical Abel Goldstein voice, "I wish you could read all of it out to me, but now as you can't, read after March 1979. And be loud."

He said that like a weak command. But I began. With the doubt-"why is he making me read aloud his own diary?" I could not decipher the logic. Ignoring the desire to decipher, I started reading. There were mentions of his new job, the new apartment he bought, his first self paid trip to Frankfurt, his first love..every random incident of his life was inked in blue on those dry parchment like pages. As I reached September 1979, I started feeling awkward. Terribly awkward. I felt immobilized.

I read something:

September 18th, 1979.

Today you gave birth to my boy. I am so happy! I want to fly! I cannot control my emotions when I touch his pulpy head, see his engrossing stare! I thank you, Samantha, for being my wife. I love you like anything..Today you gave me the most precious gift of my life. I wont forget bed No. 312 on which you lie right now. I promise I would die on it. I am so happy for both of us. I know you love me a lot. I so wish your father accepts us. I know thats not a possibility, as I am a doctor, and he doesnt want a doctor as your husband. I know you must be having thoughts troubling you in your mind about deciding not to drop the child and bring him him to life without marrying me. But I promise we would marry. Thank you sweetheart. I love you."

October 21st, 1979

This would be my last entry. Samantha, you promised you wont leave me...I never imagined this would happen. Your father didnt kill YOU, he killed both of us. I have no strength left to write anything more. I would just like to say one thing. I named him Ron. Ron Baker. I donated him to an orphanage 20 days back. I dont know why I did that. Maybe because I had to marry someone else. But I promise I would be around him always. You would always be my wife, and son. I love you both."

I read this sentence and he asked for his diary. He kept it upside down on himself and placed both his hands on it. I froze on the chair I was sitting on, and kept staring at him...lying there unmoved.

Next morning, HE died of unknown reasons. And I witnessed his death with my eyes....rather his eyes. And this was the game.

Dr. Ron Baker
October 21st, 2008."


Where the door is not shut, instead it is slammed,
Where the most important thing to us is our CS Clan,
The day always starts after dinner, and ends in a "Damn!",
We call that place a "Hostel", where life always hits a bang!

The eyes struggle open two minutes before class,
The hunger is excruciating, we can agree to eat yellow grass!
Still we get up, and wear a week old uniform,
And run to class to face a sleepy storm!

And a realization gets born, in our half asleep conscience,
"This is the last day, from tomorrow all this should end",
And the moment we step in our actually filthy but "clean" den,
The resolution decays like Uranium as we pretend!

And the days fly by, and we forget whats a breakfast,
Movies are our food for soul, 3 a day, or 1 on a fast,
Pranks become a way of life, the musics on 24hours,
Undisputed freedom lies within, restrictions become a thing of the past...!!

All goes well till the time arrives,
4 days for the first exam is what we are supposed to realise,
"Ho jayega, tension nahi leni",
Chanting this mantra, we absorb fake respite!

Now comes the memory unbound,
Of the moms food, and dad around,
Home seems the ultimate breather,
And nail biting the activity around!

Phones switched off, even for home calls,
We holds hands together, and face the course as it stands tall,
Maggi at 2:00 am, and quarter soup at 4:00,
That is the saver staple for us all...

Last exam is always a pain,
Homes calling once again!!
Widest smiles can be seen that day,
And faces read "Here we go away!"

Life in a hostel rocks alive,
In such few lines, it cannot be described,
Friends and politics, live together,
But what we hostelers live, is called LIFE!!!!

PS: Cross posted on the Lounge

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Solitary Ring

Hi ppl... been such a long tym since i posted last... busy with exams(yuck!) and other stuff... I missed writing a lot! but then now i am back...and this time with a poem inked on the paper of reality.....

Hope its a reasonable return!! Enjoy.. ;)

Burdened and strained my sight wanders,
Lands upon the cold night crescent,
Eyes close and twitch..with a sought after wish,
To restore the sanctity....and once again, not to face the end..

They were several, the months of jeopardised existence,
Spent alone, being friends with walls
That moment was one hell of the demons claw,
The one in which you disconnected the 'final call'..

It fell apart,
I was stranded on an empty road,
Left alone with that unbound restiveness,
And the broken ring, to coruscate it more..

But safely I hid the broken piece,
In the mud..out in the field,
So i could take it out the day i see,
The sunrise on the beach, with you besides me...

Hope was all that was left,
A strong belief that you will return,
Hours and days nd weeks and months,
Time stopped, My wishes didn't...

Then a day came, infact 'THE DAY' came,
Despair got flogged by the hands of hope,
Though we had started talking a fortnight ago........

That night LOVE triumphed.....

You said "it", and the ring emerged,
Through the wet sand....and life eloped!

Or so it seemed?? Cause' the demons are here,
They go nowhere,
Mistakes were realised, but still were repeated,
Frustration surrounded,
The purpose defeated!!

Alas! It was an illusuion of the desire,
A week to bolster the "fall" a bit higher!
You were not the defaulter, neither was I,
But now why do "I" feel, the urge to say goodbye???

What not i did?
What not i sacrificed?,
For us to see the sun together,
Of what not i got deprived?

Now I hold the Solitary Ring,
Isolate and and desolate, in the dead centre of my palm,
I know not what the truth is, I know not how to get you along..
You havent changed so your silence will doubtlessly repeat
At my every question, so i already comprise inconceivable defeat,

It has not yet reached the end, You are not yet gone,
I am puzzled to solve you, been through hell and beyond!
Left again with the hope to get reborn,
and too many questions......and the fear of the next dawn....