Rendezvous 2009

Dedicated to all those who are incomplete this new year...being my last post this year, I wanted to concentrate my attention to those who are less fortunate and are missing someone.

He was well aware of this in his subconscious. He knew this was going to turn out like this. And he was certain; it wasn’t going to be good. The icy wind of the last night of December 2008 slapped his dry cheeks while he stood at the rooftop. Alone, in barely a matted black tee, and thin carbon black jeans, and a pair of slippers, he leaned on the wall. The chill was biting him to the bones, making him shiver, or for that matter shudder. But he just wanted to be there. Unaccompanied. Leaning to the extent of touching his forehead on the wall strip, he saw the fracture on the wall. Between his palms. It had an incessant fragrance coming out of it. It was pleasant. A smirk was all which he could manage at that agonizing moment. And then, the agony led to a drop, expanding in the crevice, filling it to the top.

Never did he want it to happen this way. In fact, he never wanted it to happen in the first place! Less than 24 hours and the world will transcend in a new set of 12 speedy months. Celebrations, happiness, joy and glee, and a whole lot of delightful emotions would be there in every psyche on this earth. He desired to be a part of them. But he knew it was unlikely. He may reflect it through his face and gestures, but truth would nibble him...each and every moment, scraping his inside to make it a void. He just couldn’t be elated this New Year. No matter how much he tried. He knew it. This New Year would be an encounter with his own soul to keep it from scattering into fragments.

“...chand lamhaat ke vaaste hi sahi, muskura kar mili thi mujhe zindagi...” He heard the song being played at a distance of few hundred metres and slammed his cold frozen palm on the wall strip. Yet another instance when Simar (name changed) was dragged back in the beautiful past he spent with her by the deeds of the humanity (here, playing the song). It was a dismal situation for a guy who was considered the charm symbol...and now, who had malformed in sheer silence.

It had been 3months when he was left in a situation where zillion questions were incorporated in him and he had answers to none of them. Where every step he took reminded him of the bliss of time that they spent together in the past 2 years. Where he was left alone to face the brutality of the New Year. Where every sighting, whether it be a baby, a flower, a torn parchment, his own hand, a song, a statement, a joke, a breath, a touch, or even a damn stroke of wind would remind him of the beautiful time they spent together! He glanced towards the sky and it fell on a group of stars they talked about once!!!! Every damn thing around him would make him recall his commitment and the beautiful relationship that they shared. Her damn voice would resonate through his ear drums to his body which made him feel like getting pierced by a million knives all over him. He tried to contact her after it happened, and all that he was gifted with was, “Why don’t you understand? I just DONT WANT it now! You cant see me happy can you?” That excruciating moment was embedded in his deep inside forever. Considering the fact that for their happiness, for the relation, he travelled 4000 miles just to meet her, he never imagined that he would be slapped with these statements ever till he was breathing. He knew his slip-ups too. He knew where he was wrong. He knew where the loopholes were created by him. He had apologised. Not once but trillion times. A promise was made by Simar’s heart that everything would revolutionize. It wasn’t that it was one sided mistakes. Both of them were involved. He had promised her things would change. But all the promises fell on deaf ears.

It wasn’t what Simar wanted. He still cared. He still wanted it back. He still wanted to make her realise that she ended something which was supposedly eternal! He still had not forgotten her. And their love. He wanted it all back and a fresh start. He wanted her to talk about it! He wanted to discuss it out. He wanted to just talk to her! He had restrained himself from doing so after she asked for her “happiness” in his non interference. He wanted her to realise how insane a step she took. How both of their lives were parallel and in need of each other. He wanted a lot to happen! He wanted somebody to do something for them, to suggest him, anything that would even hope to work. His desperateness was trapped inside his heart like a man tied to the earth trying to escape a meteor about to fall bang on his forehead........

The nail came off. It was 2:50 am from 11pm. Sitting on the cemented stairs, he had been draining off his thoughts, his frustration, his agony through the nail underneath the cold cemented surface Simar had more pain inside him than on his bleeding fingers. Through the foggy Delhi night, he could read out, though minimally, a big banner of “Happy New Year 2009” being transported to somewhere through a loader. Another pang of crucifying grief smeared all over him. His eyes accompanied the banner till it vanished in the fog. He rose and decided that he’s gonna keep everything inside. And, atleast for the outside world, be the same Simar who is known for his charm, his strength, his enchanting personality and his respect for his parents. Parents who took care of him as a child diagnosed with severe PPRP in his left limb and cast him so perfectly that he became an inspiration for others.

Limping down the stairs he thought it wasn’t less commitment from any side. In fact he knew she loved him more than anything. But what she did because of her childish brains had cost him LOVE. He approached the roof door, and before closing it down behind him, closed his eyes, wished her a very happy new year and just murmured, “As usual, bless you...”

PS: Wish all you guys a really happy and prosperous 2009. May all u guys accomplish ur dreams......have fun ppl....chao.

What should I do...

I dont know what to write..I really want to write something but it seems my thought station is too clouded. But i want to get the rains in it. I really want to empty out something deep inside me....deep inside.....and i want my pen to be the channel of it.

But its refusing to give me ideas..Excessive thoughts, i guess, might have lead to this. But thats what i wanna get rid of! Its too frustrating...I have got my exams in a week. I have to study. I have to work hard or else my GPA will sink to the very bottom of what it is already now(its already on the seafloor). But I just cant ignore this away, avoidance has become one of the most tough jobs.

I really wanna write something......But i dont know what...and i dont know how. Its just too tough to pick up your textbooks and think about studying. But theres a war going on. Between the two cerebral lobes residing in my cranial box. Wtf should I do then!!!! I cant sleep...Coz i woke up just now..

Its really taxing. I guess i should close this or else i'll end up openig up the lid of my laptop through a complete 360.

Like I Do Often...

Why does it happen to me,
only me,
The signs of association with you,
The memories
In every inch I walk,
In every letter I gaze on,
In every fragrance I smell,
In every bit I eat,
In every thought.

I am not a poet, still I write,
The memoirs of our life together,
I am not a scientist, still I analyse,
the reason for this unwelcomed agony,
I am not a painter, still I paint,
on the torn pieces of the parchment of seperation,
I am not a pessimist, still I lose,
the hope of beginning after the END.

And the question is born,
as to WHY?
Why do I act of what I am not,
Why does my soul echo in the dark and lonely graveyard,
With my name etched on every grave of your insanity?
Why has this numbness crept into you,
that you've become blunt towards all the humanity?

Life rolls on, getting undone every moment,
Wishes, hopes and desires buried under the sand,
I walk along the roadside and wish you were besides,
But all I hold is the broken wall with my empty hand.

Yes, I am smiling, I am satisfied,
I am waiting, I am terrified...

A coalescence of these thoughts,
A blend of various emotions,
Is what makes me,
and my silent desperation.

I hear the sound of your favourite song,
And my memory shells out infinite moments,
Of bliss that we shared in those precious years,
Why cant I just accept this decrement.

I try hard to move on,
I try to throw you out,
It fails always,
My effort to silently shout.

Its just the questions I am living with,
I am naive, I am simple,
And i loved you....

Why is it then I still remember you every time I hear a laughter,
Why is it then I cry every time, I see a rose,
Why is it then I ponder over for hours, over what the hell went wrong,
Why is it then I....and YOU are not US??

I seldom wonder alongside unparalleled desires,
If you would be crying for me, for US,
Like I do often,
If you would have that hope of getting things back on track,
Like I do often,
If you would pray every moment to reincarnate the LOVE,
Like I do often,
If you would be desperate to hear my voice,
Like I do often...

I search for answers, all alone...
and just wonder again....


If you would die every moment,
Like I do often........................................

The Diwali of 2008: A Chapter embossed in the subconscious...

Sitting at the drivers seat, my eyes land upon the lights decorating my house. I put the reverse gear and decide to leave. I look again. This time I stop and keep staring through the depth of each bulb hanging up there. My tears turn, blue,red,yellow,green,violet...absorbing every colour my eye lands upon. The setting sun transcends its light all over the streets and makes an impeccable impact on my memory reservoir. Diwali 2008..something is different. In fact, a lot has changed.

Last year too I sat in the drivers seat and was about to leave. I looked at the lights. The tan of the setting sun was similar, if not same, and as I put the reverse gear, my phone vibrated with its unique style. I pulled it out of my pocket, with utmost frenzy, and there was the call...it was you. I smiled and picked. The voice is still crystal clear in my mind. The face I carried while driving afterwards was easily readable by anyone walking on the roads. I had a constant smile planted on my face. I reached my destination and put you on a hold(some services are free, so it was not an issue...like hanging up and calling again....). I took out the red and blue packets of sweets and slid it under the door of the relatives place. An act, for which I had to bear a long torturous "words of wisdom"  from my parents, but never thought of it at that time, as some free services were going to waste...an excuse to hearts desperateness to talk to you. I jumped back on the seat, put the first gear, and reached back to my place. The lights were shining even more as dusk had faded away into darkness and the essence of the Diwalis festive spirits had taken over.

Still gazing at those bulbs, I notice that the dusk has already faded into the darkness. But my phone hasnt rung. And i know it wont. Its 2008. I reach my relatives place, and instead of sliding down the gifts, I knock. And sit inside. Though not at all interested in talking elderly stuff, I sit amongst 3 elders and try to give them company. Actually, try to kill my time. My mind constantly going through the hurdles of expectations of a call, I again realise...its 2008. It wont happen. Losing hope once again, I manage to avoid those 3 faces and leave. Heads down at the steering wheel, I try to analyse, once again. What went wrong? Why did you do this? Every question, brings an excruciating pain with it, which tears apart a zillion neurons in my brain. I reach back at my place, my mind forcing me to look at the lights, but I avoid. Sometimes its too tough to compromise with life. 

Seeing my mother gather the accesories for the upcoming puja, I change to a traditional look and sit down in the small yet elegant mandir. The whole family present, my father starts with the puja. The typical sandalistic aroma of the "dhoop" engulfs each of us sitting there. ESPECIALLY ME. My mind suddenly appears as a kaleidioscope of the various moments spent with you. And of one major question, as to WHY? Why did you do this?  Why are you making two souls suffer? I try an idea...asking God. When someone is just stranded theres no option left, other than GOD. So with all my zest, I try to initiate a heavenly conversation. I realise, its not easy. Thoughts of you were the ones boggling my mind. GO AWAY! GO AWAY!! I clenched my fist and shouted these words silently inside me.

I started the conversation with God. I put all the questions right on table. He never answered. I tried. All in vain. It felt like the last hope going down the drain. It made me weak. Actually. 

Taking a heavy deep breath, while concentrating simultaneously at my fathers instructions, to touch the "thali" with the right  hand, I tried once again. I felt some response, but could not decipher it. That last hope got reborn. Though not too fruitful, atleast there was a satisfaction that I have something to hang on. Still.

Leaning on the smooth iron railing of my balcony, I observe a bunch of small kids, jostling with a pack of crackers in a corner of the street. Everyone of them dressed in the best and the loveliest of outfits which their families purchased for them on this festive ocassion. They are happy and celebrating diwali. Though maybe not even knowing what is the history and why Diwali is celebrated, they are celebrating. Maybe because they do have a reason. Why am I not celebrating? Even after posessing the knowledge of the history behind celbrating Diwali? Because I dont have you.

Because we dont have each other.

Because theres no point in celebrating a loss, which i know is common to you and me, though presently you might be in an illusive world of freedom and enjoyment.

Because maybe the lights are the same, but last year they soothed the eye with their tinkle..in 2008, they tease the eye with the remains of the memories.

How I wish I could be with you this Diwali, to tell you that whatever you are doing is simply obnoxious! Insanity prevails your mind at this time and you are murdering the essence of a beautiful plant which we watered together!!

How can you not remember the good times!?

How can you not feel the specialness now!?

What in the world has conquered your heart and mind so bloody drastically that every moment, every step of ours together, my tears, every thing we shared,  the first touch, meeting after a complete long year...............that every thing is clouded now?? 

How are you unable to feel the Diwali of last year? How are you unable to feel my sadness this Diwali? Are you not lonely like I am? Don't you feel incomplete like I do?

Lost in the canopy of these questions, and struggling to get out of this forest of uncertainities and incompleteness grown by you, I still wish you -A Very Happy and Love filled Diwali...DIWALI 2008.

Alpha-209: A Changed Life. (Part II)

The sky turns burning red as I walk down the pavement of the Chitrakut block, observing indivuduals with their unmanaged practical records walking out after going through a gruesome practical exam. How unconnected these people are, yet they seem to be linked with each other since eras undefined. I sit down near the red pavement and rest myself against the cold wall behind me. I reciprocate the warm greeetings and the exuberant smiles which I recieve from people who know me, even after knowing that the smile is the only thing they have for me at that moment.

I walk back with heavy footsteps to my hostel. The guard greets me with his peculiar style. I reciprocate with mine. The smile is still there on my face. And the FEAR still inside. The fear..the fear of facing the walls again. The fear of fighting with my thoughts, trying hard to stop them from engaging in a merciless encounter with me. The fear of arguing with the inscrutable shouts of the air. The fear of facing the mirror and avoiding to see myself. The fear of getting my expressionless face readable by one and all and then answering the queries which seem more like evil taunts. Its THIS FEAR which has become a part of me. I FEAR TO ENTER ALPHA 209. 

Just because as soon as i look towards any corner of it, a strong happy reminiscence associated with it takes birth in my mind. It grows develops, and ends up in instilling a painful memory. Just because as soon as I look out of the rusted window I imagine a ME smiling and inhaling a big volume of positively energised oxygen with a stretch of relieved smile on his face. And as soon as the imagination dies out, there stands a quiet, sober and an unreadable ME, looking out of that bloody rusted window, expecting his imagination to have lasted just a bit more longer.......just a bit more.........just enough to spend a lifetime. 

But it doesnt. As soon as the air strokes my rough skin, it wakes me up to the reality. And there comes my friendly thought...."Why the hell did you even STEP in this room?" A room which seemed to be full when I used to be in it. Now it has become a four walled quizmaster ruthlessly torturing me. A room which had catapulted me to various levels of feeling lucky, now, disgraces each and every moment I spend sitting inside it. I had a "Life" before entering Alpha 209..a relaxed one. Now its a fight in there always..Me vs. the sheer unpredictability of the appearence of the thought and its kind. 

I just need one answer from YOU,

"WHY WAS I MADE THE HANDICAPPED PAWN IN THIS FIGHT??"

Alpha-209: A Changed Life.(Part I)

"Niiikk!" and i know im being called with this peculiar style of calling my already murdered full name! But i like it, my NEW name. "Did u sleep last night?"
Every one reading this would have thought what a weird question..every one, except the people around me. "Haan soya tha yaar, 2 ghante soya tha..(Ya i slept, for 2 hours)."

"Anyone in for CS? Just for half an hour, then we'll study"As the clock strikes 3 in the night(in the morning actually), u have r3g00(pronounced as REGO, the kingpin of the game CounterStrike among us) with his goan lower swinging all about the air, storming in your room with this proposal of playing CS. "Ya sure, make the server." Thats the common and the most probable reply of any soul sleeping, or talking on the phone, or walking, or doing any thing around.


"Oye proxy maar diyo..." ("Do a proxy for me") And i leave the class. Walking at my ease according to my own style i cross the library gate. Library...hmm....I used to pay homage here!
Its been around 11 months now that i stepped in this place the University created for her so "loved and stduious" students! As these thoughts fade away from my mind in a just a second, i too move away and reach the inclined grasses. On my right are people like me, in groups, who have arranged for their attendance in their respective classes, and are trying hard to kill the time with the help of the CREATIVE ideas their grey matter suggests them every second. The ideas, which are a common sight on the pavements of the University.
Like, for example, the most common statements include, "Chal nescafe chal rahe hain" or "PMC pe baith te hain". No one can account for the blessings that soul gets on an hourly basis, who came up with the idea of opening a Nescafe outlet in the University campus.
And on my left is a half sunshine covered grass. My mind starts working..as usual on a simple decision as to whether i should sit here or not. And as usual, its the toughest job for me-decision making.



That done i slowly embrace the sun rays, which started to touch me on my shoulders, and now have engulfed the full me. And here i am, sitting, 'not in a group', at the inclined grasses.
All alone, i take out a page from the register and start writing...actually penning down. Penning down what?

Even I don't know.

And then its 5:30 pm. Its time . To leave for my second home. My hostel. With a tired feel, i get up and walk towards it, with my pelvic joint suddenly making me realise that i had walked enough today. But still, i go on. And again, not in a group. 800mtrs is what i have to cover to reach the hostel gate. Not a small distance, atleast for someone like me. But still, i go on. 10minutes passed away in a jiffy, without even letting me realise them!
I reach the hostel gate.




AND THE FEAR ERUPTS INSIDE..YET AGAIN.

"Niiikk!" I try to get distracted by the call but it seems my mind doesn't accept it. And ignoring it ruthlessly, I reach the building. "Niiiiiiiikkkkkk!!!!!" .. This time it was stronger and a bit more effort on my brain to attend the call......but not enough to attend it.
The eruption takes a severe violent form inside me but my face is as unreadable as always, fooling the unaware world outside....