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Friday, April 30, 2010

After I woke up..


It is so common for me now a days to just wrap my arm around my tired eyes, and try to fall deep within myself. It seems I am feverishly looking for a bug, some strange clutter that is stuck up somewhere between my brains and my nerves. I am severely smouldered these days, battling my own self. I do not know where I have lost myself; my proud self that I used to flaunt to my 21 years old well known and looked up to self confidence, whenever it used to go low because of something unpleasant. But these days, huh, I feel like a small kid, who loved his mother to beyond the universe, but who lost her in the crowd, and now is wandering on the busy freeways amongst speedy traffic, crying his agony out, ignoring his burning throat, avoiding to feel his lung muscles getting tired, sidelining his hunger pangs, trying to ignore his blistered feet, and just looking to get back to home, to his mother. To relief. To peace.  But all that life can offer him at the moment are painful ears due to the honking world around him, and hopeful, yet lost eyes. The world rushing past him, making him feel he has been left behind. Far behind, of where he thinks he should have been now. Love, affection, care....everything seems to be another world. A different universe altogether. Now what he sees is nothing except strangers. Both in persons and in feelings.  The thing that pains more is now he is becoming accustomed to this life. He seems to have forgotten the mother. The home. It feels to him that he has come a long way, a long way from where he was the king of someones world. Where, actually, he was someones world. Now, all that is left is disarray. Confusion. Would he ever find himself? Would he ever step on the doorway of his home? Would he find peace, solace in anything except his own hopeless hope of living again? He doesn’t know the answer to any of this. He also doesn’t know if he will get it ever. He just sits beside a wrought bench on the street, living with his glances to the world swooshing past him, living with the feeling of being left behind, left alone, searching for answers of what he is, was or will ever be.

8 comments:

Tweety said...

hmm u very well know that i havent ever stepped out of that protective world of home...mother...so cant really say that i understand that confusion...and the pang of uncertainty one feels in this sort of environment...i hope u succeed in returning back to that world...even though with some changes but still back into the world of peace...

after all by the end of it you have gained an experience for life...

mysterious gal said...

Well what to say!
I get that feeling often!
But coming to think of it..i never left mom's home and yet took breaks where i did so i know the pangs and yet the worse is yet to come....but then the corruption of the world does make us difficult to return to the real U but then we do return in parts...as we learn ...we evolve and u will gain too :) we all do!

Prachi said...

It's not all so bad you know...this is passing phase...in the quest of your own world. Yes, the home is where you find solace, comfort and most importantly truth, but, everything passes and that's the reality of it. What matters is how well you can move in synchronization with it!

P.S. Are you doing B. Tech?

Nik said...

@Shwe I know you wont und, but still its enough you read and understood.

@Nab :)

@Prachi Yes I am doing BTech, an Integrated one to be precise. Why, if I may ask.

Prachi said...

Just to confirm..Numerical Methods, intern in prefinal year and all pointed to it.
Have been reading your blog ever since you dropped by mine. Not so frequent in my comments though. :)
You write really well!

Nik said...

@Prachi

I check my blog after sooo long and it makes me happy to read this comment..! :)

And thanks for liking my writeups. I usually dont write to write, i just write when I feel accumulated...If you have read my blog you would have noticed that a very large majority of my pieces reflect what I want to vent out.


And yes, Numerical methods! :P I HATE IT. :X :X :X BIGGG TIME! And by this I understand you too doing engg...? From where, which year and stream, if i may ask! :P :D

Prachi said...

Hi again...Well I am in IIT Roorkee, just got done with my third year in Electrical Engineering. :D
Numerical methods...was an elective we were offered, I did not even like the sound of it! :D

Nik said...

@Prachi

Elective! Waah...if i would have been offered NM as elective I would have not even looked at it!! :D

Anyway, me doing an Integ Btech in applied petroleum engg + mba in oil and gas management from UPES Dehradun.. same here, got over with my 3rd year.

And btw, gmail ka id hai to that would be a better way to keep in touch than this commenting i guess......!! you can take mine nikhilkaul69@gmail.com.

Hope to get in touch soon... :D

And thanks again for the compliment of me writing well... :D

See you on gmail! tada... :)

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