Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Diwali of 2008: A Chapter embossed in the subconscious...

Sitting at the drivers seat, my eyes land upon the lights decorating my house. I put the reverse gear and decide to leave. I look again. This time I stop and keep staring through the depth of each bulb hanging up there. My tears turn, blue,red,yellow,green,violet...absorbing every colour my eye lands upon. The setting sun transcends its light all over the streets and makes an impeccable impact on my memory reservoir. Diwali 2008..something is different. In fact, a lot has changed.

Last year too I sat in the drivers seat and was about to leave. I looked at the lights. The tan of the setting sun was similar, if not same, and as I put the reverse gear, my phone vibrated with its unique style. I pulled it out of my pocket, with utmost frenzy, and there was the was you. I smiled and picked. The voice is still crystal clear in my mind. The face I carried while driving afterwards was easily readable by anyone walking on the roads. I had a constant smile planted on my face. I reached my destination and put you on a hold(some services are free, so it was not an hanging up and calling again....). I took out the red and blue packets of sweets and slid it under the door of the relatives place. An act, for which I had to bear a long torturous "words of wisdom"  from my parents, but never thought of it at that time, as some free services were going to excuse to hearts desperateness to talk to you. I jumped back on the seat, put the first gear, and reached back to my place. The lights were shining even more as dusk had faded away into darkness and the essence of the Diwalis festive spirits had taken over.

Still gazing at those bulbs, I notice that the dusk has already faded into the darkness. But my phone hasnt rung. And i know it wont. Its 2008. I reach my relatives place, and instead of sliding down the gifts, I knock. And sit inside. Though not at all interested in talking elderly stuff, I sit amongst 3 elders and try to give them company. Actually, try to kill my time. My mind constantly going through the hurdles of expectations of a call, I again realise...its 2008. It wont happen. Losing hope once again, I manage to avoid those 3 faces and leave. Heads down at the steering wheel, I try to analyse, once again. What went wrong? Why did you do this? Every question, brings an excruciating pain with it, which tears apart a zillion neurons in my brain. I reach back at my place, my mind forcing me to look at the lights, but I avoid. Sometimes its too tough to compromise with life. 

Seeing my mother gather the accesories for the upcoming puja, I change to a traditional look and sit down in the small yet elegant mandir. The whole family present, my father starts with the puja. The typical sandalistic aroma of the "dhoop" engulfs each of us sitting there. ESPECIALLY ME. My mind suddenly appears as a kaleidioscope of the various moments spent with you. And of one major question, as to WHY? Why did you do this?  Why are you making two souls suffer? I try an idea...asking God. When someone is just stranded theres no option left, other than GOD. So with all my zest, I try to initiate a heavenly conversation. I realise, its not easy. Thoughts of you were the ones boggling my mind. GO AWAY! GO AWAY!! I clenched my fist and shouted these words silently inside me.

I started the conversation with God. I put all the questions right on table. He never answered. I tried. All in vain. It felt like the last hope going down the drain. It made me weak. Actually. 
Taking a heavy deep breath, while concentrating simultaneously at my fathers instructions, to touch the "thali" with the right  hand, I tried once again. I felt some response, but could not decipher it. That last hope got reborn. Though not too fruitful, atleast there was a satisfaction that I have something to hang on. Still.

Leaning on the smooth iron railing of my balcony, I observe a bunch of small kids, jostling with a pack of crackers in a corner of the street. Everyone of them dressed in the best and the loveliest of outfits which their families purchased for them on this festive ocassion. They are happy and celebrating diwali. Though maybe not even knowing what is the history and why Diwali is celebrated, they are celebrating. Maybe because they do have a reason. Why am I not celebrating? Even after posessing the knowledge of the history behind celbrating Diwali? Because I dont have you.

Because we dont have each other.

Because theres no point in celebrating a loss, which i know is common to you and me, though presently you might be in an illusive world of freedom and enjoyment.

Because maybe the lights are the same, but last year they soothed the eye with their 2008, they tease the eye with the remains of the memories.

How I wish I could be with you this Diwali, to tell you that whatever you are doing is simply obnoxious! Insanity prevails your mind at this time and you are murdering the essence of a beautiful plant which we watered together!!
How can you not remember the good times!?
How can you not feel the specialness now!?
What in the world has conquered your heart and mind so bloody drastically that every moment, every step of ours together, my tears, every thing we shared,  the first touch, meeting after a complete long year...............that every thing is clouded now?? 

How are you unable to feel the Diwali of last year? How are you unable to feel my sadness this Diwali? Are you not lonely like I am? Don't you feel incomplete like I do?

Lost in the canopy of these questions, and struggling to get out of this forest of uncertainities and incompleteness grown by you, I still wish you -A Very Happy and Love filled Diwali...DIWALI 2008.


Anonymous said...

OMG...It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I could relate to each and every word written here. All the words, all the promises just seem so empty. What to believe and what not.. Sometimes I also wonder if all the times I heard "I love you" was just as false as the other things!