A Bit of Life

Multiple Personality Disorder: A relatively rare dissociative disorder in which the usual integrity of the personality breaks down and two or more independent personalities emerge.

I read this statement in one of the Saturday supplements of a newspaper. It is of high probability that the psychology students might have begun contriving a plan to hang me as this definition might not be the exact textbook definition, but for the layman I think it is enough to convey the essentialities.

On reading the above definition, my neural highways suddenly experienced thronging traffic of millions of ideas and thoughts. I read the whole story about that person suffering from such a disease, and felt how  it would be for someone to recognise his own self in such a mode; several definitions of his identity, enormously confusing conclusions about his own personality and the dejection from his lost soul. I wondered if I would ever meet someone suffering from such a disorder, wishing that no one should actually suffer from this.

And then I realised that I have seen it. I see it daily. There is someone, or rather something I know really well, which suffers from this disorder in its grimmest forms. It is all around me every single moment. It is very famously known as Life.

For those minds which are already lost in a kaleidoscope of conclusions and confusions as to what am I blabbering, I would like to impress upon the fact that if seen clearly, Life suffers from MPD. Remember the time, when we are left abandoned with a very common sentiment nowadays: “WTF!?”  Just because a friend whom we expected, and were completely devoid of any fragment of doubt, to say a proxy attendance for us, did not do it even though we got caught thrice saying his proxy a day before!?? Or probably, when that very same friend comes to us the very next day and asks us to cover up for him for his wrongdoing in front of college authorities! “A DOUBLE WTF!!” Such situations, though trivial in nature, lead us to frequently question ourselves:

“How can people change in such a trice?”

 or

“Am I expecting too much from everyone?”  

or of the likes

“Is there ANYONE, anyone at all, whom I can call a genuine soul?”.

Or probably, the worst case scenario leads us to the distressing conclusions,

“Maybe I am made to feel this. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe, I am made to undergo this strife.”

Lost in this dubiousness, we never realise one thing. It is not me. Or you. Or him. Or anyone. It is life which is suffering from MPD. One moment it is gleeful, the next it leaves you appalled. One moment you love someone, and a morning later you realise you are finding reasons to hate him/her. One day you feel successful, the next you are lost in self doubts. One moment life seems perfect, the next it feels as it was the worst thing that happened to you ever! It changes its face in a New York minute! If you imagine life as a person, you would never want to imagine the trauma he/she would face by the frequency of multiple changing personalities it undergoes!

 On a larger picture, the best example could be love. For those who were once very seriously in love, or rather thought that, and have come a long way since they lost it, there must have been a morning when once they would have woken up and thought:

“Shit. I am not thinking about her!!??!@#!?” :)

Or something like..

 “Wow, it’s been 3 weeks, I didn’t even think about talking to him!”... :)

...and you suddenly realise how much has changed. An example of a slow transformation of lifes  MPD.

All of a sudden, life seems to have turned into something you could have never imagined sometime back when you were shattered into pieces. Confidence rules.

 Life seems blissful.

 The moment you get out of bed, and look at the mirror, you realise how beautiful it used to be, with a face besides you in the mirror, which is missing now.  

Life seems bleak.

Once again, Life undergoes a makeover in a jiffy. Such prolonged and swift changes in its personality...doesn’t it seem too much to take for a young human brain and heart? Yes It does. And it is. It is this superb frequency of change that we experience in our lives, which is responsible for our instant happiness or instant gloom. These are the alterations which are responsible for us to classify random people to friends, from friends to more than friends, from more than friends to beloved and so on...and yes, in the reverse order too. These are the changes which are responsible for most of our shocks, disappointments, dismays etc. I personally for the same reason hate such changes.

But I guess what I learnt from the past and would like to share with all of you is that these are changes. They cannot be stalled. Our lives are diseased with MPD. I wish there was some cure to this disease, but alas, there is none. Time loves to tickle us. Sometimes also bruise us. And we react incessantly to it. The key is not to.

It is just that life changes. With time, the bruises heal up, the jokes die, the sadness conforms to elation, and the elations mellow down. At the end when you reflect back on the life one fine morning sitting in your chair in the balcony sipping on the coffee, you realise it was nothing but the diseased life. It was just MPD of Life. It was just the change. It was just that time played with us. Tickled us. Sometimes for short intervals, sometimes for years and left us with changes, which sometimes were responsible for smiles, sometimes tears. But its just time. So its better for the youth experiencing gruelling changes and ups and downs in their life, to understand that its just a matter of time. Things shall pass. It is not worth getting upset, wasting time drowned in agony and pain.

Because when you would be sitting in that balcony at the end of your journey, you would for sure know that life goes on...and it goes on...........changing.

An Experience, A Gift... :)

 I remember sitting on a creaky red chair in a marriage party when I must have been nine, or probably a sober ten. The common Indian verbal ruminations about what not in the world, by “who not” Indian females, were in the air all around under the fluttering typical reddish tent. Yes, tent. I am talking about 11 years ago. Anyway, I obviously couldn’t understand such ‘relevant’ women stuff at that time (with not much of a difference to this fact even today when I am 21 :P). This led me to stick to my chair obediently and wait for my parents to finish their miserably important socialising. Keeping me accompany was the chilly weather and the sound of the noisy dhol. In between all the social paranoia, I remember a very strange incident that happened. It happened with me. And the crux is, it was something which was totally unexpected. (Though really felt afterwards...)

Fiddling with the golden button on my baby black suit, I remember someone occupying another chair besides me. Shockingly, it was a girl. And the bigger shock was, she was looking at me. Direct, into the eyes. Actually what was actually a shock was the combo that she was pretty, she was a “girl” and she seemed to be inclined towards breaking a conversation with me. ME! WOW! But with my characteristic straight faced expression (It is still there...for people who know me know it) I looked back and she made a statement, “You know, you are looking so damn cute.” With the help of her stunning smile, she managed to get through pulling my cheeks. (Now you would understand why the shock was “felt” afterwards :P). Later, she just stood up and went away. I was left bedazzled.

The reason for me to gape was the false proving of my own belief that girls don’t, and probably would never talk to me. Later on, I do remember clinging onto dad while walking out to catch an autorickshaw back home (we did not have a car at that time) with one recurrent question:

Me:        “Would girls ever talk to anyone like me when I grow old? Would I be able to make even friends, forget about girls?”

Dad:       “It is not what you actually think it is.”

Again, very obviously, at ten you cannot expect someone to infer this statement to flamboyant precision. Even I could not. I got nuggets of what it could mean, but I could not decipher exactly. So I ignored and life went on.

11 years later my memory serves me wonders. Life seems to have undergone a complete evolution. Studying engineering in one of the most specialised disciplines, my life, till now has been completely different from what I imagined it to be like. I transformed into a self-believer after eighth grade. Till then I used to bear a lot of appalling comments, disgraceful looks and ignorant gestures. I was no more than a ludicrous dope! Right from the beginning of my school, I used to be below the poverty line in the section of “friends”. Living in the negativity bubble around me, my academics suddenly began to suffer.  And suddenly I became broke in the section of “friends”. This struck a chord in me. I decided to walk backwards. And academics became my first step. Somehow things began to fall in place. I began to score well in my school. The world followed. I started reading novels, writing poems, studying academics, debating, gaming, socialising, understanding my culture, trying to become a good person........and what not! I even entered sports, though never could go beyond school level J. Maybe because....because I am differently abled. I realised that maybe I suffered the ignorance and avoidance during my initial life not because I was differently abled, but because I did not try to conquer my life. Maybe because I did not try to win over. Maybe I did not ever think that I CAN DO IT.

Now that I feel I did win over the difficulty and the hurdles, my address book comprises of more contacts of females than males.... ( I guess... :P) And yes, girls DO talk to me. J And I am pretty wealthy in the department of good friends now (like the one on whose request I am writing this post). :P J

So I understood a very important fact, which I would like every struggling person to keep in mind:

“It is not what you actually think it is.”

PS: I actually did not know what to write when I was told to do so. This was an impromptu when I came across a News channels award ceremony dedicated to the differently abled superstars... 

  

Cross posted for my sweet friend here 

 

And Thus I Wrote (Part-II)

Another one was in the form of a sudden realization that I have stopped writing. Actually, a much fiercer and abominable situation has been the birth of the feel inside me that I might not be able to recoup. Ever again. This realisation has the inherent potential of metamorphosing into a really dreaded situation because writing had been “the vent” for me ever since the demonized downswing. The feel of not being able to write ever again was enough to mess up my mental state of affairs. I have begun to feel like a lost nomad. Of late, I have been attempting to write regularly, but except crushed paper balls in my room and accompanied hopelessness, nothing met me.

But I believe in, “When you are just about to fall off a cliff, the tree branch you accidently cling on to is the perfect definition of a friend.” And that tree branch to me is a very sweet friend and a co-writer who came in contact after a long time and suddenly gave me just what was required for me to SERIOUSLY attempt writing. She kept a condition which left no choices for me other than writing! She said she won’t write on her blog until I write SOMETHING at least and believe that I can write and thus get back to writing. So I had to.
What to write, that was told by another special person in my life. (Believe me I am no better than a lost memory case presently! It feels like I am writing for the first time, which I am obviously not as is seen from my blog!) She just asked me to write something, ANYTHING. According to her, I should NOT try for a masterpiece in getting connected to writing after such a long time. I say, forget master piece, I do not even know if this is worth being called something!
Anyway, there is one more aspect about which I would write soon, (Yes! I have the urge to write at least another post.) Not here, as this is already stretched too far and too long.

And I genuinely do not know what title to give this, but one thing is assured: This is what I FELT. And thus, I wrote.


PS: Thanks to those two special people.

And Thus I Wrote (Part-I)

I received a mail today forwarded by my sister. It had a story in it. I knew what it was made of. So I didn’t read it. I went to the washroom and splashed water on my face real hard. And stared at the mirror. Actually, I stared at me. And “me” stared back. This faceoff usually is detrimental to the arising mess in my brain. So, it was a relief again. The mail was another attempt by someone who was very close to me to achieve god knows what by making me read it. Actually, I am still unsure whether to use “was” would be correct. But I guess the blistering and eventful past that I had, left me with no other option. There are similar mails, which lead to similar mirrors, which in turn lead to similar stares and similar thoughts that I encounter. The point is, all this happens almost daily. I have lost account of the time since when all this has been an integral component of my already undefined and random life.

Phew. I finally got an OK from my conscience for the above paragraph. I say so because I have been experiencing an intensely choked up, stagnated mind state since a long time now. Imagine to be forcefully stuffed in a half your size air bag, your and the bags mouth sealed with a scotch tape, limbs tied around with dry, rough jute ropes and silently placed in the middle of the room where people are doing heavy breathing yoga exercises to relax themselves, with none of them opening their eyes so that they could see you and help you! Height of mental and physical exertion? That is what has been my mode of living, rather existence, for the past many months. In every domain, irrespective of its nature, I have been feeling the same. And I really have no clue what to do. Relationships (I am not only talking just about the “youth love”, it includes friends, families, acquaintances and some undefined but special ones too), academics, hobbies, interests...everything has been facing a major blow.

One of the major setbacks has been the totally unexpected end to 2009. I had my 5^th semester exams over, and it was no less than the end of a mini world war. I was jubilant and exulting in high spirits. All the frenzy and excitement with which I came back home got snapped off in a moment. In one phone call. It was the New Years Eve and all that I was expecting from her call was a wish. No, she was not the girl with whom I was in a relationship. In very recognizable terms, she was not my Girlfriend. She was someone who was (still have doubts about using the past tense, how I wish I had been left with an option) very close to me. She held an extremely special place in my life. A girl whom I loved. But not as my girlfriend. Just as someone.........someone whom I LOVED FROM THE CORE OF MY HEART. I had gone through a very vehement downswing in my life 2 years back just for the fact I got committed in a relationship. She came to the rescue and made me believe. I didn’t want to repeat that downswing. Just the fact that I really liked her as a person and that she was there, was enough. But I guess not for her. She had one question. What about the future. I said I am 21 only. She said I love you a lot but cannot carry on like this without a relation or future commitment. All this when the world stepped forward into 2010. I for a change, had nothing to say. I had another blow. I wanted to return to 2009.

Hey..

Huh..finally. I am back. Again! :P Yes, I return again to this world of words and emotions. I have no clue what to say and what not to about my absence. The only thing that I can say is that this habit of intermittent appearances that I possess is actually not intentional. Its the outcome of ENGINEERING!

But the ironical shit is that, last time when I was on a writing spree, my "ENGINEERING" end semester exams for the 4th semester were going on. Today, when I decide to return to this, I have just entered my room after giving my end semesters again! I have no idea what kind of a drive do my final exams instill in me that I really feel like writing. Or maybe its the more probable reason that I can think of: Ab kuch ho nahi sakta, jitna padhna tha padh liya, 10 din ke baad ghar jaana hai, so relax!" :P

However, the interesting part is, that whenever I think of relaxing during my exams, I think of blogging. For people who know me know that I have blogged mostly to vent out. Not to display my literary skills, or that I have ample time in my hands that I feel like playing with the keyboard and play "tap-tap". I have no explanation, why do i feel like venting out ONLY during my exams. I just do. And this is what I feel like now.

Anyway, its been time that I wrote something. Not that I am a master of the pen, but still I feel all of you who read me must be missing me a lot :P ..

So guys I am back, (no guarantee till when will I stay.. :P i am serious!!) and I have to write. Stuff has been happening. Good, bad, dirty, fun, etc.. So here I am.. this is me...! (With due respect to Bryan adams. :P)


Chao...

Place for my head!

I am wondering why I am writing here when I usually prefer a paper, that too which is kept to myself. But then I looked around and glanced at the clock. 3.10pm. And I realised that this is the second time I am waking up in a day. I cant find a paper and a pen. No one is at home. Brother out for tuitions, mom and dad on work....and me...On this couch where I fell asleep 3 hours ago after having breakfast. Fell asleep again...3 hours ago.

Sometimes what happens, you are sitting in a bus(whatever), and your glance lands on an aged man in the corner of the street busy in his chore. And your mind starts building image of the personality about that person. And you reach on a conclusion about his family, maybe he is living alone etc. You think "He must be around 50-60, with a small house, earning his daily wages..Maybe he is arrogant, and is not in good health.....his wife and kids are living alone some kms away. Maybe he had sacrificed a lot for his family and now is living alone for them to be happy. Maybe he was a kind soul, yet arrogant, and person with values......." ...and what not. You draw out a complete image of his heart and his life. And mind you, all this takes just a split second i.e. as your bus(whatever) turns around that corner.

The other side of the coin is you come across a person, whom you talk to, unlike the old man at that street. Whom you become friends with. Whom you just...just like to talk to. And so you do. For hours and days and months.........And you rest yourself in the comfort that the person is one with whom you can be great friends with! And that you know them! And you quickly, add that person on all the social networking giants on which you spend most of the time of your day. And you are happy. That you found a good friend! And when you talk for a long time, you like talking more. With every passing day, that friend of yours, becomes more special. And adds on to write in your "Life Book" a new chapter. Without you realising it. One fine day you realise it, and its not LOVE that I am talking about here. You just realise the darkness of the ink with which this chapter was written in the book. Its DARK and engraved. Like a kid who writes hard pressed with a dark pencil for the first time in his school notebook. It feels good that it has been written. That someone, is so close that HE can edit YOUR "Life Book".


And one fine day, maybe a decade later, while you amble across that same corner of the street, you remember. That bus ride. You walk up to a nearby store to ask about the old man, and you get to hear this:

"How a good man he was though a bit arrogant. In his mid 50's he succumbed to bad health. Living alone in an old shack, he used to garden here to earn daily wages as he lost his job. And all that because of his cunning wife who lives with their kids at a distance of few kms. Sacrificed a lot for them. A man of values he was."

And it feels like déjà vu. You sit alone sipping your favourite coffee. The past cascades in front of you. Its tough to feel, that your favourite networking site doesnt have that "SPECIAL PERSON" anymore. And you flip through the pages of your "Life Book" to find that chapter. Its still there, written in the darkest of ink. But what you see, is that it has been earmarked, and left in midway...........just because a decade earlier, someday your conscience realised that you never KNEW them.

You still knew that old man on the street.


And you get your stomachs filled with a lump that travels up to your throat, choking your conscience. A stinging realisation strikes you. That maybe you were just ballistic in life. You never stopped. And questioned yourself, "Do I KNOW this person?"

And suddenly the page was left half written, because KNOWING is not easy....

Summer '09 - A lavish explanation!

Delhi's temperature is escalating by the day. So I got another AC installed at my place, in the hallway this time. (This step was specially taken for my mum who faces the kitchen heat everyday!) Now I am sitting here. Earlier I used to sit in my own room which, obviously, doesn't have an AC (I am not a descendant of a super filthy rich ancestry, quite the opposite I guess..). But somehow, I feel this AC had a different effect. Because I feel like "writing". After exactly 40 days since I last wrote something.

Anyway, first I would like to describe my absence. My exams started and I had to disappear, and then vacations of more than 2 months were round the corner. I returned home, and was gifted with the news that out of those two months of my holidays, I had to spend 1 interning. So bags packed, and by the end of the first week I was out. A complete travel freak, with sheer clarity I absolutely carved out the frolic journey that I was about to experience. Though I did not even guess, or care to guess, that the frolic would get blotted with patches of quest: about my own self.

Ok, so on the 3rd June late afternoon, the humid greasy late afternoon welcomed me at Ahmedabad airport. It had been over 5 years since I last visited Gujarat. So I realised that this was the 6th time now. My destination was around 2 hours from Ahmedabad. I left the airport by mid late evening, and crossed Baroda and Surat on the way. Though just touching the outskirts of Surat. Reaching the destination, I was told that I had to shifted to the site immediately, which was again 140kms away. The weather mellowed down, with a greyness and cool around. And the person driving the car, I guess, figured out that I loathed lousy speeds. So he pressed the accelerator.....enough to make the air hit my face hard enough. And make me smile as approaching milestones swished past me..........

I reached the site in one hour. Got my accomodation. Settled down, and was told to start work from the next day. I loved the place. The weather. The people. There was hardly any thing that I did not like. Umm...actually there was. My laptop charger got screwed up by the first weekend. And my phone after 3 days of the above disaster. I became restive. Damn frustrated. Though I somehow managed to cure my phone problem, I missed my laptop for the whole period of one full month. Another reason why I could not write. (Reason : Excuse :P).

Anyhow, I started working. 8am to 8pm. Nothing else except work. I used to come online for some wee hours of the night, but blogging was something that I just could not manage. I used to feel like a thoroughly beaten ass by the end of the day due to the work and writing in such an awesome situation was something that I could not afford. I was still human guys. :). Days passed with me working like a full time rented ass, who wasnt provided the liberalness of anything except having his food. That too, if generosity prevailed beyond humane limits.

Two weeks passed and an incredible twist was in store for my modus operandi since I started. I had to meet a really close friend. We met and had fun for four eventful days. For me that acted as a lumpful breather. I relaxed and the beauty of that time is impeccable. A substantial break from work was essential. And such a beautiful break....nothing better that i could have asked for.

"Nothing remains." I knew it. And in less than an eye twitch, I found myself again playing ping pong with tons and tons of iron. And also trying to reason out my decision of coming for my interns. But as I read somewhere very recently, "To have a gain of something, you've got to loose everything first." So work followed. And I followed it.

For the next 15days, I met people, talked on phone, (too much...damn too much..), completed a project ALONE (Supposedly, to be done by 4 people), and waited. WAITED FOR THE LAST DAY. AND MY FIRST EVER TRIP TO MUMBAI!

3rd July 2009, my last day of interns, I could see my bag packed. And I smiled. By the end of June, the rains had set in properly, and it was coldly misty and windy all throughout my way to the railway station. And again, the car was speeding. And again, I was loving it. I got in the train, it shunted, with me sitting by the wet, dripping wet window, and it left the station. It was one beautiful journey. I met people, which I had never done before. I had been to the North, the South and the Central belt of India. But in the West region, no where apart from Rajasthan and Gujarat. As mentioned earlier, being a travel freak I really savored the trip. And rains! They added to the flavour .....



Dadar Jn., 6.45 pm
3rd July 2009.

Yes. I was there! Mumbai welcomed me with...the very famous, Mumbai Rains. The welcome on the station was much better though. I went to a friends place to stay overnight. We discussed college, upcoming results, my journey, women (not those from college! PLEASE!), food, plans for my stay in Mumbai etc. I had to meet two more of my friends who were doing their interns in Mumbai itself and I was excited. Next morning I woke up to this view from the window of the room:


Meeting my other friends at VT, the four of us went to Gateway, (Rainy Gateway!), Taj (Rainy Taj!), and I was exuberant! Seeing such a beauty, which I could not ever find in Delhi, I regretted the short stay I had planned for Mumbai. Marine Drive, Chaupati, Gateway, Taj, Causeway....and what not. Though I know I could not have covered a lot, I was still satisfied. The next day was another beautiful experience. I spent the whole day with special people and attended the workshop that was planned with a very good friend. The nights and the days were memorable. The next day I met a friend for lunch and spent the day with another very good friend. However the night was unimaginable. LITERALLY. I was with two of my very close friends, and we had planned dinner together. And marine drive was added to the plan. So I was at marine drive at 12.30am. Bliss, for me atleast. But my mood wasnt the way I had imagined it to be. I could not even think. Something happened and ...........and the "quest-blot" was there.

Another main reason I did not feel like writing for more than 10days now.

Though with a complex ending, this was one hell of a time I spent. And thus could not blog. Work was tiring, but hell interesting. Imagine, what you just read in books and see in pictures and read in long boring paragraphs, everything happening right in front of you! And then meeting people, friends, some for the first time, some for the nth time! And that too in Rainy Mumbai!

Now I am back in Delhi. Hope that I remain regular. Though it might take time for revival, but the spirit in me is surely poking me in the ribs. And waking me up....



(By the way people, I got royally screwed up right now for keeping the AC on for hours continously............. :P) .